Dad’s Porsche: On the Moral Certitude of Children (or Why Speeding Is Wrong)
It’s a wonderful moment when your child first begins to read. It opens a vast world of imagination, self-education, and capability for them. It also significantly increases the amount of questions they have (if such a thing were possible), and reduces the places you have to hide as a parent.
For example, you’re little new reader has discovered that whenever you’re out in the car you are surrounded by text in the form of road signs. Most of the time this is mundane and uninteresting (e.g., what does “Loading Zone” mean to a child?). But other signs are much easier to explain and for a child to grasp. Like speed limit signs. After all, a speed limit is a rule.
It was one such speed limit sign that inspired this recent conversation with my son when we were out for a drive in the 911:
“Dad, what is Speed Limit 35?”
“It means that the fastest that anyone is allowed to drive on this road is 35 miles per hour.”
“Are we going 35?”
“…No.”
“Why not?”
“…”
Kids understand rules: do this, don’t do that. Their lives are full of rules. And when we make a rule as parents, we want our children to follow the rule. We believe the rules exist for their benefit and safety, even if it might impinge on their fun. As they get older, maybe there becomes more deliberation about when and how a rule applies, but the rule abides.
(NOTE: in this piece, I’m assuming the rule in question is justly formed and applied. Unjust laws or petty rules are a separate issue, and perhaps the subject of a future post)
Let’s come back to the speed limit episode. On the one hand, nuance is difficult for young children to comprehend. For example, some rules exist to prevent very bad things from happening, or behavior that could very readily and rapidly lead to a fatal outcome. Other rules, while important, have margins. Excessive speed can absolutely increase the likelihood of a serious or fatal car crash. But what constitutes “excessive” is a complex combination of factors like road class, pavement condition, weather, vehicle condition and maintenance (and type), and driver skill and attention, amongst many other things. So, is going 45 MPH in a 35 MPH zone excessive? It depends.
On the other hand, no police officer would have accepted my justifications and rationalizations. Whatever may be my personal thoughts on speed limits, they are just that: my personal opinion. The limit is the law, whether I like it and agree, or not. All I could do was apologize, slow down, and admit I was wrong. Or reframing it: what response would I want from my son if I observed him breaking a rule that I made for his safety? Rationalization? Or recognition?
As concerned as I was about setting an example of being a scofflaw, I hope that I also set an example of contrition. My relationship with speed is still a complicated one, but in being caught red-handed by the moral certitude of my child I didn’t bury my guilt: I admitted it. It meant having a chance to talk about how grown-ups aren’t perfect, everyone is wrong sometimes, and when we are, we can admit it and grow closer together.
