an Emily Dickinson-inspired celiac euology

glutenfuckers, it’s time to face the facts: celiac disease comes with an increased risk of morbidity*. to help you prepare for you inevitable demise, here’s an Emily Dickinson-inspired celiac epitaph:

I died for gluten once, but was scarce
Adjusted in the tomb**,
When one who died for Crohn’s was lain
In the adjoining room.

He questioned softly why I failed?
“For gluten,” I replied.
“And I for Crohn’s, — the two are one;
We brethren are,” he said.

And so, as E.T. bodies met a night,
We talked between the rooms,
Until the worms had reached our guts,
And eaten up our colons.

xoxo glutenfucker

read more irreverent commentary on celesbian*** life at

*don’t let this sobering fact lull you into a false understanding of your own specialness, glutenfuckers. the following have also been linked to increased risk of morbidity: showering; sleeping prone; consuming raw bananas; taking public transportation; sleeping supine; snort-laughing; drinking liquid via water fountains and/or spherical liquid-delivery devices of any kind (INCLUDING crazy straws); using ride-sharing services such as Uber, Lyft, and SideCar; and resting in a seated position for more than 30 seconds consecutively at any point in your lifetime.

**replace “tomb” with “bathroom stall” in the above and you’re got yourself some workplace-approved glutenfucker poetry that is guaranteed to lighten the mood in any poop stalemate.

*** celiac + lesbian = celesbian, right?