guzzleitis: the eternal, prideful prognosis

i suffer from a disease more insidious and rampant than celiac disease. it is called guzzleitis.

in its most basic classification, guzzleitis is an addiction. the chief symptom is to guzzle anything and everything that comes in your path, be it coffee or a glass of water or gluten-free pretzels*.

i prefer the term “guzzling” because it sounds so much more palatable than “overeating.” it is just more visceral. you don’t guzzle things you are indifferent or lukewarm about. you GUZZLE. there’s passion there. there’s GODDAM PASSION, you know?

that’s how guzzleitis starts: it is a disease of passion.

there is almost a nugget of pride involved in this disease. the deadly sin it stems from is more pride than gluttony.

i don’t just over-eat… I GUZZLE. I CONSUME. I DON’T JUST SAMPLE THE FRUITS OF THIS EARTH. I GNASH AND TEAR THEM WITH FLASHES OF TEETH, SLURP AND SUCKLE THEM WITH CURIOUS LIPS AND A FERAL TONGUE.

^^ that’s the pride talking.

why am i talking about this on an irreverent celiac blog? well, if you’re a glutenfucker, guzzleitis poses some obvious problems. the central burden of celiac disease is the requirement to think before you consume. it can take years for an average glutenfucker to learn to stop and assess the gluten-risk of a food situation carefully before eating.

but with guzzleitis, the lack of thought involved is a foregone conclusion. a bout of guzzleitis cuts off all blood flow to the brain. your eyes go dark, and the space between hands and mouth becom a juggernaut conveyor belt.

for a glutenfucker with guzzleitis, it is all the more challenging to intercede before unwittingly swallowing pop tarts whole, bonging pints of guiness at the behest of happily hedonistic fellow partygoers. as a glutenfucker with guzzleitis, there is much caution in my wind, thrown there haphazardly.

so basically, if there is a known cure for guzzleitis, get at me. i’m not asking for so much as a cure for celiac diesase — i would never be so bold and so prideful to ask for a cure for celiac disease over the cure for some of the truly nefarious shit in our world, like ebola and what not — but your homeopathic remedies for guzzleitis are welcome.

xoxo glutenfucker

read more irreverent commentary on celesbian** life at www.glutenfucker.com

* seriously though: gluten free-pretzels are crackkkkkkk. dabble with them at your own risk.

** celiac + lesbian = celesbian, right?