My sister calls this my Quarter Life Crisis.

Turning 30 scares me.

I have never been scared of time.

I am a very optimistic person, every birthday I have always embraced each year with happiness and excitement.

But this time it’s different.

This year I’m confronted with the reality time will not wait for me to take action.

I went to the gym today and was approached by a personal trainer who wanted to see if I was interested in his program. He was starting his typical sales pitch and tried to engage me by asking me about what I do to work out, and how often. I told him I would just rather do my own thing, I am seeing improvement on my own and even more so now that I am doing 2-a-days (gym 2x a day) although its more so out of boredom, but also to push myself.

He looked at me with a smirk and said “yeah, your young you can do that without feeling overworked, but be careful it won’t last forever”.

I'm in my barbershop in Killeen, getting cut by Kevin, while Brother Mootki and Sir Reg joke around. Sir is telling us about how cold he was back in the day with the ladies, Brother Mootki clowns him about that being so so long ago, and how he is an old man now.

Sir, starts to float back to those young days, where he like I spent a lot of his days at the court playing basketball for hours on end. He joked about how if he plays 1 or 2 games now he has to take the next 2 days off to recoup.

“I can remember exactly when I felt my body change.”

“On my 30th birthday I went for a run on the treadmill at the gym, I bet it was the same time I was born too, because in an instant after just starting to pick up my speed, it’s like my whole body slowed down and my legs and lower back were in pain, and ever since then I’ve had to take it slow.”
Have you ever meet a loud 30-year-old?
In this country, a black man only have like 5 years we can exhibit maximum strength, and that’s right now while you a teenager, while you still strong or while you still wanna lift weights, while you still wanna shoot back. Cause once you turn 30 it’s like they take the heart and soul out of a man, out of a black man in this country. And you don’t wanna fight no more. And if you don’t believe me you can look around, you don’t see no loud mouth 30-year old mutha******.
— 2pac

Like Sir Reg, I remember exactly when things became different for me.

I was 19 and my world wasn’t perfect but the biggest problem in my world was in MY WORLD.

I was reading more of the bible and started to dig deep into king Solomon. I envied him and wanted to be him, so I prayed the same prayer he did in the bible. I prayed not to receive riches, but to receive wisdom, to grow as the wisest man on earth as he.

I’m sure you’ve heard this before, “be careful what you wish for”.

I turned 20 not long after, it wasn’t one moment but it felt like I was definitely rushed in as little as a weeks’ time, rushed with knowledge of real problems in the world far bigger than mine.

I learned about eating healthy and how bad we have been misinformed of what’s in our food.

I learned that even though many people call themselves Christians they were split up by denominations each believing the other is still wrong, and going to hell.

Learned that not all Republicans are racist and some Democrats are.

I learned about what being poor in the rest of the world really looked like.

Here I was calling myself poor because I live in a small apartment. Then I find myself doing mission work in Peru and talked to a girl who lived in a barely a concrete box that she knew as her house, and the only gift she wanted was a whole in the wall so she can act like she has a window to look outside.

And all my problems in my little world for the first time showed true size.

I then like many 20-year old’s, dove in, tried to do mission trips and read up on what else is wrong in the world and who or how people are fixing it. And if I saw a problem that no one is fixing I contemplated how I could myself.

Since then I have realized that much of what I experienced wasn’t some isolated thing, but very common in a lot of 20 somethings.

20 somethings have this huge beating heart for the world and we want it to be better. Somewhere along the way of trying to save the whole world, we lose focus. After constantly seeing no progression and how more and more problems rise up that seem even more impossible to conquer.

We turn 30 and we are fight less.

We turn 30 and were NUMB.

We just are ok with not being able to fix it and back to our own little worlds

That, that scares me!

I don’t want to be numb!

I wanna change the world!

I heard, if you can change your heart, you can change the world.

I’m 25 now, 30’s around the corner. I haven’t changed anything yet.

With time, and prayer has come wisdom, I recognize changing the world does not mean making it perfect. It doesn’t mean changing the world from every angle and ridding it of its demons.

It just means making a change, even if it’s a small one.

So, now instead of trying to change the world from every angle, ill choose carefully a few to focus on and make that my life’s work.

Take this fear of time and turn it into action

By my count I got

4 years

11 months

18 days

To change the world.