My Shady Life as an Underage Drinker
Nick Tucker

This is the most banal thing I’ve ever read. The entirety of American Culture has a giant problem with underage drinking. I didn’t drink when I was underage. It’s not that big a deal but everything kept telling me I would. Everything says don’t drink until you’re 21 but everything also has the expectation that you’ll be drinking already by the time you’re 18. The author proudly admits he’s been drinking since he was 17 at least. It’s ridiculous.

Alcohol isn’t life. You don’t need alcohol to have a good time anymore than you need to take your clothes off

It’s oppressive. And debilitating. An underage drinker is made to feel like some kind of deviant, maybe a secret alcoholic. Certainly a criminal.

If this is the way you think about alcohol, I have to question that whole “not a deviant” and “not an alcoholic” thing. That’s how I imagine Ethan Couch felt when he was driving to school at 13. That he should be able to drive and it was oppressive to make him feel like a child or a crimminal just because he has to wait 3 years to get his license.

There’s plenty of room to talk about the disparity of age laws. I fully believe if you’re old enough to join the military you shouldn’t really have any age blocks. Heck I’d be happy if anyone who joins the military at whatever age no longer needs to be blocked from anything.

But alcohol isnt life. Once again. Alcohol isn’t life. Being restricted for three years before you can drink isn’t being opressed. You shouldn’t even have a favorite drink at 18. But everyone does. You can’t find a high school party depicted that doesn’t involve alcohol anywhere unless it’s the super religious or super nerdy party no one wants to go to. There’s a real perception problem with alcohol. Everyone percieves it as the only way to have a good time and that’s a problem.

I’ll be honest I stopped right here:

It’s an ordeal, and it’s not worth it if the only result is to have a glass of wine with dinner during the week.

Because this is when the author implies that kids binge drink not because everything in culture tells them to but because getting alcohol is so bloody hard that when they DO get it. They’ll do a week’s worth of drinking to make up for having to do a weeks worth of waiting and work to get it.

If you nope’d out of college and that branch of life, I’m happy for you. I don’t think everyone needs college and all that jazz. If you can find your path early and be happy that’s good on you. But good lord this is the most pathetic, nonsensical excuse for reasoning I’ve read in years. Just because you opted into the job market early that doesn’t mean everyone should be able to get their “after work beer at the bar” privileges early just in case they take your step. College students aren’t wine drinking philosophers discussing Yeats and nihilism over a good Cabernet if only they could legally buy it, but since they can’t this is why they’re binge drinking, nuckleheads with questionable sexual ethics.