“She’s Not a Girl’s Girl”—Why the Narrative Surrounding Ariana Grande’s Cheating Scandal Frustrates Me
This piece was originally published July 31tst 2023 for our “Weekly Roundup” column, where culture and sustainability writer Teyah Nichole shares her thoughts on all things related to conscious living and feminism. She’ll share what she found interesting, annoying, funny, or inspiring in the past week’s events, all with a focus on uplifting women. Think of this column as a relaxing conversation with a close friend over a warm cup of tea, where you can sit back, unwind, and get a dose of our founder’s unique perspective on the world.
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As you probably know, Ariana Grande and her Wicked co-star Ethan Slater have been blasted all over the internet for entering into a romantic relationship with each other while still being legally married. To make matters more complicated, Slater’s estranged wife Lily Jay recently gave birth to their first and only child last August 2022 and is not even a full year postpartum. Rumors of this controversial relationship began a few weeks ago and were only confirmed through the blazing commentary given to Page Six by Jay a few days ago. Jay accused Grande of not being “a girl’s girl” and that her family remains the “collateral damage” of Grande’s actions.
Naturally, I found out about this situation during my last doom scroll. It was nice to see news unrelated to what I have a tendency to consider the “big problems” — climate change, reproductive rights, structural racism, etc. Memes like these were a welcomed distraction to the heaviness that my algorithm likes to trap me in:
Celebrity gossip is always fun at first, especially when those involved seem so disconnected and far away from my life, loved ones, and those “big problems” I just mentioned. However, upon further inspection, I believe the discourse around this situation is one of those “big problems”. More specifically, I think it provides the perfect mirror to our collective lack of political literacy and a litmus for our ability to truly employ the feminist concepts we chronically online Gen Z and Millennials claim to embrace.
Now, before I begin, let me make something adequately clear. I am NOT condoning the actions of either Grande or Slater. In my personal opinion, if the accusations against them are true, they have both engaged in behavior that’s disrespectful and careless. Jay is not just Slater’s wife but mother to his child. She has literally sacrificed her body to bring his child into the world. Childbirth is as beautiful as it is barbaric. While we might be unaware of Jay’s specific pregnancy journey with Slater, we are aware of general the emotional labor (i.e. attention, intimacy, etc.) required to start a new romantic relationship. If Slater is getting cozied up with Grande, how much can he really be adequately present for his now-estranged wife who is going through postpartum healing?
While much of the discourse surrounding the controversy has focused heavily on Grande’s so-called “homewrecking” ways, not enough of it has focused on how women who’ve given childbirth are let down by their cishet male partners. I’m uninterested in the supernumerary focus on Grande’s behavior because I don’t think it’s the most productive pastime if we want to progress the feminist movement. Too much of the discourse is disguising genuine opinions with outright misogynistic attacks against Grande. While they might make us feel good in the short-term, how is this advancing the collective struggles of women in the long-term? I do not believe it is.
Within heteronormative relationships, men are more likely to cheat on their woman partners. More worryingly, the chances of man cheating once a woman is pregnant increases directly in relation to the increased growth of the fetus. We might not want to admit it to ourselves, but a woman can’t “steal” a man away from another in a consenting relationship. A man has to want to be with someone else and actively invite a break in the committed partnership. A man who is loyal and takes his promises to a woman seriously will not entertain another woman’s advances while he is with her. Moreover, if said man felt that he wanted to explore new options, he should communicate with his partner his feelings and break it off with her in a respectful and timely manner.
Women who engage in illicit relationships with married men unwilling to take these actions are intimately involving themselves with men who lack care for the women in their lives. We have to keep in mind that the “other woman” is not winning anymore than the woman who said married man is in the relationship with.
It might be true that Ariana isn’t a “girl’s girl”. But, Ethan Slater isn’t an example of an ideal girl’s man— that should worry us more.
Of course, this does not absolve the “other woman” from personal responsibility, especially in the case of Grande who is still legally married to Gomez. But it does emphasize the importance of focusing on the married man, in this case Slater, who is the primary beneficiary of the entire ordeal. Jay becomes an unwilling single parent to an infant, Ariana bears the primary blame and, thus, attacks to her reputation, and Slater is seen as just another of the Hollywood men who just can’t respect their romantic commitments. How is it that in 2023 we still struggle to hold the cheating, married father the most accountable in such a situation where his actions are easily the most egregious?
I mourn for Jay because it seems as if the man she loved wasn’t up for the task of following through on his word. He doesn’t seem to respect her or the labor she did to bring his child into the world. His behavior is disappointing but completely unsurprising. It might be true that Ariana isn’t “a girl’s girl”. But, Ethan Slater isn’t an example of an ideal “girl’s man”—that should worry us more. No woman deserves to be treated the way Jay and other postpartum or currently pregnant women who share her story have been. Let’s talk more about that, shall we?
