What is you lookin’ for?
One time for everyone out there who’s been expecting to receive the love they give — from other people. From people who haven’t been through what we’ve been through. People who haven’t had the experiences we’ve had, who speak a completely different love language. The people who don’t know how to touch us the way we crave, yet.
Who don’t know when to pop the clutch or the exact pressure that’ll get us to open up.
I’m guilty of it too. On some super narcissistic shit, foolishly searching for myself in everyone I come across. Denying people the opportunity to blow me away by having these unreasonably rigid + foreign expectations of someone who has a limited perspective of me. Expecting them to understand the silent, secret parts of me when they can only see what I choose to show them.
Sometimes, we wear these masks + present ourselves in a light that ain’t really the most natural of lighting. And then one day we’re ready to turn off these filters + let our guard down .. And then our lover has to meet a stranger who looks like us, tastes like us + sounds like us — but moves like a completely different person. And we expect them to know what they’re doing.
It dawned on me that I had been on the wrong frequency for what it is that I’m very very very patiently seeking. I think we all make these mistakes. We present ourselves to our lovers based on our assumptions of what it is that they want. Most times, they’re just looking for someone who’s genuine — in any capacity.
And here we are expecting to find a mirror image of ourselves while only showing half of our faces. That isn’t genuine at all + we’ve got to unlearn a lot of our bad habits when it comes to meeting people — and our worse habits when it comes to being open about our shortcomings + shadows. It’s okay to lack, lack is a catalyst for ambition. Lack has a tendency to make us reach for more. Don’t be afraid to be someone who’s reaching for more. One day, it’ll reach back for you. Whatever it is you’re reaching for.
Be mindful of how much of yourself you’re withholding when it comes to the people you’re intimate with. Sometimes, that air of mystery we try to keep comes off as disingenuous. Make sure you’re being forthright when you choose to enter someone’s field of vision. Make sure you’re showing them the face that seeks companionship, not the one that seeks to be validated. That ‘face’ will accept any level of validation sometimes, even less than you deserve.
I’m guilty of wearing masks, too. I know that to some people I might’ve seemed disconnected because I assumed that the intensity that I naturally give off might scare them. And on that frequency of trying to tame my wildfire — I attracted the wrong people. People who were confused about who they were + who unknowingly projected a vibe that I could only compare to a slippery, wet fish. Cold, out of place, slimy + constantly wriggling. I was disconnected from my Truth + attracted other disconnected people. And we definitely couldn’t connect to one another.
But I am not a fish out of water, I’m a fire. I illuminate everything that stands close enough + give off a warmth that doesn’t change according to how much heat people can take.
Depending on the context — a fire is either a life source or an uncontrollable phenomena that can easily destroy. Fire can give life, sustain it or take it .. I had been so unaware of the different degrees I could burn at. I had unknowingly decided to be lukewarm + it killed my spirit to be tepid. I was attracting lukewarm people + lukewarm is my least favorite degree.
So, I say that to say this — whatever is it that you are, fully embody that. Ground yourself in your unique frequency + everything that you attract will be something that feeds your soul. To attract what we truly desire we must be who we truly are .. Not the masks that we wear.
Fortunately for us — Love is the great equalizer + when it makes its transits into + out of our lives — our masks + our pretentiousness dissolve. Love is a reset button for whatever fake shit we been pumping.
I had a talk with a friend of mine yesterday about frequencies + she shared some gems with me. Something she said triggered a new understanding for me .. She was telling me about the timeline of her love life + how before meeting her current boyfriend she was doing the causal dating, casual sex thing that so many of us are used to. I’m not knocking it — but after a year of cultivating my energy + being stingier than Ginuwine when it comes to my sex .. I can’t imagine getting back into the ‘casual’ game. I’m not a casual person. I’m not lukewarm, I’m a fire.
Back to this talk her + I were having. A year prior to dating her boyfriend she began grounding herself + dedicated time, energy + effort to finding her OWN stability. The kind of stability that nobody else could give you. She grounded herself in this energy + stability began to manifest in different aspects of her life bcus she ACTIVELY sought + cultivated the stability that she came into. And then she attracted her current boyfriend + the stable energy they both possess has taken a life of its own + has become their Love.
You must vibrate @ the frequency of that which you seek. You cannot attract an energy that you don’t embody. We’re all just little tuning forks for the Energies that permeate throughout this Universe .. We are capable of drawing ANY energy that we seek — as long as we can find the frequency within us.
That being said, I’m a fire seeking balance. My opposite will balance me, I’m seeking water. I’m seeking fluidity. Seeking someone that will fearlessly experience the different degrees within themselves. I’m looking for both the terrifying turbulence + immobilizing peacefulness of companionship. I’m a wildfire waiting for a storm. I’m a fan of all things extreme + becauase I am the personification one of extreme — the other end of the spectrum is what satisfies me. But I know that water can freeze, boil + evaporate according to the level of heat it comes in contact with — and above all things, I know that water is freshest when it flows.
So I will continue to burn. I will continue to embody the energy that I wish to attract. I will continue to flow. I am capable of sustaining life + ending it + I desire someone just as powerful — water can help you float or it can drown you. My Fate will be determined by my surrender or my struggle. But you know me, I like to dive in head first.