Wisecracks and Wisdom: 88 Woody Allen Quotes for His 88th Birthday

Step into the sharp mind of writer Woody Allen as take a look at 88 of the best quotes that have appeared in his remarkable body of work life and work on the occasion of his 88th birthday. Woody Allen, the acclaimed filmmaker, actor and writer, has left an indelible mark on the world of entertainment with his signature wit and profound insights.

Woody has the unique talent to make us double up with laughter one moment and then nudge us to contemplate the complexities of life the next. That’s part of the magic of Woody Allen. He’s not just a filmmaker; he’s a storyteller who has given us moments of contemplation and seriously good comedy in equal measure.

In this collection of 88 quotes, we invite you to explore the man behind the camera. These quotes, spanning his career, reflect the essence of Woody Allen — a maestro who effortlessly blends humour and philosophy. It’s like sitting down for a conversation with Woody himself (I wish!), where he shares his quirky take on life’s twists and turns.

Whether you’re a lifelong admirer of his work like me or a newcomer, these quotes will remind you why Woody Allen’s talent is timeless. So, join me in celebrating his 88th birthday, and let’s rediscover the brilliance of a storyteller who has made us laugh, reflect and appreciate the richness (good and bad) of the human experience.

1. “After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her, and after half an hour I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.” — Take the Money and Run
2. “Food on a chain gang is scarce and not very nourishing. The men get one hot meal a day: a bowl of steam.” — Take the Money and Run
3. “I object, your honour! This trial is a travesty. It’s a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.” — Bananas
4. “Fellas, I don’t wanna be President. You’re making a big mistake. You gotta be smart to be a President. Let me be Vice President. That’s — that’s a real idiot’s job.” — Bananas
5. “If you want me, I’ll be home, on the floor, having an anxiety attack.” — Play It Again Sam
6. “She wants a laugh; she doesn’t laugh enough. Insufficient laughter; that’s grounds for divorce. Oh, and skiing! She wants to go skiing. She wants to ski down a mountain laughing like an idiot.” — Play It Again Sam
7. “T.B. or not T.B. That is the congestion. Consumption be done about it? Of cough. Of cough.” — Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask
8. “Do I believe in God? I’m what you would call a teleological, existential atheist. I believe that there’s an intelligence to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey.” — Sleeper
9. “This stuff tastes awful. I could make a fortune selling it in my health food store.” — Sleeper
10. “I’m a clarinet player in 1973, I go into the hospital for a lousy operation, I wake up 200 years later and I’m Flash Gordon!” — Sleeper
11. “To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down.” — Love and Death
12. “They call me mad, but one day when the history of France is written, they will mark my name well… Sidney Applebaum!” — Love and Death
13. “If it turns out that there IS a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.” — Love and Death
14. “I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That’s the two categories. The horrible are like, I don’t know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don’t know how they get through life. It’s amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you’re miserable, because that’s very lucky, to be miserable.” — Annie Hall
15. “Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat… college.” — Annie Hall
16. “I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.” — Annie Hall
17. “I can’t seem to shake the real implication of dying. It’s terrifying. The intimacy of it embarrasses me.” — Interiors
18. “Do I really care if a handful of my poems are read after I’m gone forever? Is that supposed to be some sort of compensation?” — Interiors
19. “You shouldn’t ask me for advice. I — when it comes to relationships with women, I’m the winner of the August Strindberg Award.” — Manhattan
20. “There must be something wrong with me, because I’ve never had a relationship with a woman that’s lasted longer than the one between Hitler and Eva Braun.” — Manhattan
21. “Plus I’ll probably have to give my parents less money. It’ll kill my father. He’s not gonna be able to get as good a seat in the synagogue. He’ll be in the back, away from God, far from the action.” — Manhattan
22. “To you, I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the loyal opposition.” — Stardust Memories
23. “Let me tell you, you’re not the missionary type. You’d never last. And-and incidentally, you’re also not Superman; you’re a comedian. You want to do mankind a real service? Tell funnier jokes.” — Stardust Memories
24. “Why does a beautiful day like today give me such a sad feeling?” — A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy
25. “I’m 12 years old. I run into a Synagogue. I ask the Rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life… But, he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don’t understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me six hundred dollars for Hebrew lessons.” — Zelig
26. “And to the, to the gentleman who’s appendix I took out, I… I’m, I don’t know what to say, if it’s any consolation I… I may still have it somewhere around the house.” — Zelig
27. “It’s important to feel guilty. Otherwise, you’re capable of terrible things.” — Broadway Danny Rose
28. “She’s eighty-one. Fantastic. Unbelievable. You don’t look a day over eighty.” — Broadway Danny Rose
29. “I just met a wonderful new man. He’s fictional but you can’t have everything.” — The Purple Rose of Cairo
30. “I don’t get hurt or bleed, hair doesn’t muss; it’s one of the advantages of being imaginary.” — Purple Rose of Cairo
31. “It’s been ages since I sat in front to the TV. Just changing channels to find something. You see the whole culture. Nazis, deodorant salesmen, wrestlers, beauty contests, a talk show. Can you imagine the level of a mind that watches wrestling, huh? But the worst are the fundamentalist preachers. Third grade con men telling the poor suckers that watch them that they speak with Jesus, and to please send in money. Money, money, money! If Jesus came back and saw what’s going on in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.” — Hannah and Her Sisters
32. “God, she’s beautiful. She’s got the prettiest eyes. She looks so sexy in that sweater. I just want to be alone with her and hold her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her and take care of her. Stop it you idiot, she’s your wife’s sister. But I can’t help it. I’m consumed by her. It’s been months now. I dream about her, I — I — I think about her at the office. Oh Lee, what am I gonna do? I hear myself moaning over you and it’s disgusting. Before, when she squeezed past me at the doorway and I smelt that perfume on the back of her neck — Jesus, I — I thought I was gonna swoon. Easy! You’re a dignified financial advisor. It doesn’t look good for you to swoon.” — Hannah and Her Sisters
33. “I wonder if future generations will ever even hear about us. It’s not likely. After enough time, everything passes. I don’t care how big we are or how important are our lives.” — Radio Days
34. “Life’s too short to dwell on our tragedies. Right? Besides, I’m sure we all said things we’re sorry for. We’re all temperamental. Otherwise, we wouldn’t all be so fascinating.” — September
35. “Jesus! Look at my hands. Now really, I am too young for liver spots. Maybe I can merge them into a tan.” — September
36. “Now that my life is drawing to a close, I only have one regret — regret that the one I chose to share my life with is not the one I loved the most deeply.” — Another Woman
37. “Fifty. I didn’t think anything turning thirty. Everybody said I would. Then they said I’d be crushed turning forty, but they were wrong. I didn’t give it a second’s thought. Then they said that I’d be traumatised when I hit fifty, and they were right. I’ll tell you the truth, I don’t think I’ve ever recovered my balance since turning fifty.” — Another Woman
38. “You got a nice place here. What time does the cobra come out?” — New York Stories
39. “I remember my father telling me, “The eyes of God are on us always.” The eyes of God. What a phrase to a young boy. What were God’s eyes like? Unimaginably penetrating, intense eyes, I assumed. And I wonder if it was just a coincidence I made my specialty ophthalmology.” — Crimes and Misdemeanors.
40. “Show business is, is dog-eat-dog. It’s worse than dog-eat-dog. It’s dog-doesn’t-return-other-dog’s-phone-calls.” — Crimes and Misdemeanors
41. “I’m the wife, you know. I take care of the kids, I host the dinner parties, arrange the social schedule, try to look pretty so your friends can admire your taste. I’ve become one of those women who shops all day and gets pedicures. But I wanna be more. There’s more to me.” — Alice
42. “Love… Love is a most complex emotion. Human beings unpredictable. No logic to emotions. Without logic, there is no rational thought. Without rational, thought there can be much romance, but much suffering.” — Alice
43. “There’s only one kind of love that lasts, that’s unrequited love. It stays with you forever.” — Shadows and Fog
44. “So when you have the sword down your throat, what happens if you get hiccups?” — Shadows and Fog
45. “Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.” — Husbands and Wives
46. “It’s the Second Law of Thermodynamics: sooner or later everything turns to shit. That’s my phrasing, not the Encyclopedia Britannica.” — Husbands and Wives
47. “I can’t listen to that much Wagner, ya know? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.” — Manhattan Murder Mystery
48. “I can’t listen to that much Wagner, ya know? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.” — Bullets Over Broadway
49. “Let’s say there was a burning building and you could rush in and you could save only one thing: either the last known copy of Shakespeare’s plays or some anonymous human being. What would you do?” — Bullets Over Broadway
50. “I see disaster. I see catastrophe. Worse, I see lawyers!” — Mighty Aphrodite
51. “I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with my own son, my flesh and blood. I can’t believe it. Unless some large Republican pea pods are in the basement and have taken over your body.” — Everyone Says I Love You
52. “It’s all right! She just swallowed a little jewellery, enjoy your dinners.” — Everyone Says I Love You
53. “I’m a guy who can’t function well in life but can in art.” — Deconstructing Harry
54. “The most important words in the English language are not “I love you” but “It’s benign.”” — Deconstructing Harry
55. “It’s interesting to see who we choose as our celebrities, you know. And why?What makes them tick. You know, you can learn a lot about a society by who it chooses to celebrate.” — Celebrity
56. “Wanna go to the dump and shoot some rats?” — Sweet and Lowdown
57. “It’s Louie the 14th, or Louie the 15th. I don’t know how high the Louie’s go, actually.” — Small Time Crooks
58. “I met a wonderful man downstairs. He seemed to like me. He said I reminded him of his wife who’s dead. But I assume he meant when she was alive.” — Small Time Crooks
59. “Are you going to take your coat off? It hasn’t rained in this apartment in 20 years.” — The Curse of the Jade Scorpion
60. “Thank God the French exist.” — Hollywood Ending
61. “She’s living with a guy the best you can say about him is that sometimes he returns phone calls.” — Hollywood Ending
62. “I feel like committing suicide, but I’ve got so many problems, that wouldn’t solve them all.” — Anything Else
63. “She’s so sexy. Look at her body language. All verbs!” — Anything Else
64. “Let’s drink to good times. Comic or tragic, the most important thing to do is to enjoy life while you can, because we only go round once, and when it’s over, it’s over. And, perfect cardiogram or not, when you least expect it, it could end like that.” — Melinda and Melinda
65. “The man who said “I’d rather be lucky than good” saw deeply into life. People are afraid to face how great a part of life is dependent on luck. It’s scary to think so much is out of one’s control. There are moments in a match when the ball hits the top of the net, and for a split second, it can either go forward or fall back. With a little luck, it goes forward, and you win. Or maybe it doesn’t, and you lose.” — Match Point
66. “I was born into the Hebrew persuasion, but when I got older I converted to narcissism” — Scoop
67. “You think we’ve committed some kind of unnatural act, but we haven’t. The whole of human life is about violence. It’s a cruel world, Terry” — Cassandra’s Dream
68. “If you don’t start undressing me soon this is going to turn into a panel discussion.” — Vicky Cristina Barcelona
69. “Why would you want to hear my story? Do we know each other? Do we like each other? Let me tell you right off, ok… I’m not a like-able guy. Charm has never been a priority with me. And just so you know, this is not the feel good movie of the year. So if you’re one of those idiots who needs to feel good, go get yourself a foot massage.” — Whatever Works
70. “Yes, my life is circumscribed, but I manage to avoid stress. I’ve achieved a delicate balance, and as long as I can maintain it, I feel less inclined to ending it.” — Whatever Works
71. “Sometimes the illusions work better than the medicine.” — You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger
72. “We all fear death and question our place in the universe. The artist’s job is not to succumb to despair, but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.” — Midnight in Paris
73. “If it’s bad, I’ll hate it because I hate bad writing, and if it’s good, I’ll be envious and hate all the more. You don’t want the opinion of another writer.” — Midnight in Paris
74. “Nostalgia is denial — denial of the painful present… the name for this denial is golden age thinking — the erroneous notion that a different time period is better than the one one’s living in — it’s a flaw in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope with the present.” — Midnight in Paris
75. “It’s incredible that the Colosseum is still standing after thousands of years. You know, Sally and I have to re-tile the bathroom every six months.” — To Rome With Love
76. “ho do you have to sleep with around here to get a Stoli martini with a twist of lemon?” — Blue Jasmine
77. “If you can’t fall in love in San Francisco, you can’t fall in love anywhere.” — Blue Jasmine
78. “I came to say that for some inexplicable reason that defies common sense and human understanding, that I have, of late, experienced some small… quite small but discernible, inner stirrings regarding your smile.” — Magic in the Moonlight
79. “The world may or may not be without purpose, but it’s not totally without some kind of magic.” — Magic in the Moonlight
80. “I’m asking you to put our everyday assumptions aside, and trust your experience of life. In order to really see the world, we must break with our familiar acceptance of it.” — Irrational Man
81. “Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” — Irrational Man
82. “Unrequited love kills more people in the year than tuberculosis.” — Cafe Society
83. “Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” But the examined one is no bargain.” — Cafe Society
84. “The kid makes fires. And not such little ones. He played hooky from summer school and even made fires on the beach where it’s forbidden. What the hell does the kid see when he just stares into the flames? Is it the eternal power of the universe? The conversion of mass into energy? The Furies at work? Whatever his motive, it is not appreciated.” — Wonder Wheel
85. “Real life is fine for people who can’t do any better.” — A Rainy Day in New York
86. “One thing about New York City. You are here or you are nowhere. You cannot achieve another level of anxiety, hostility or paranoia anywhere else.” — A Rainy Day in New York
87. “Life is meaningless, but that doesn’t mean it has to be empty. There is a difference.” — Rifkin’s Festival
88. “We’d like to be able to control everything but in reality we have very little control.” — Coup De Chance

Looking through these 88 memorable quotes by Woody Allen, it’s clear that his impact reaches far beyond the big screen. Woody has a way of touching our hearts and minds that lasts way past the ending of any one of his films. His words stay with us, lingering in our thoughts, prompting laughter and provoking discussion.

I’m sure like me you have been sitting with friends or family, discussing one of Woody’s lines or insightful musings long after you’ve watched one of his films. That’s a big part of the magic of Woody Allen. His storytelling isn’t confined to the cinema; it becomes a part of our lives, shaping our conversations and perspectives.

Woody Allen’s screenplays aren’t just important for American cinema; they hold a special place in the hearts of audiences worldwide (France especially, ‘Coup De Chance’ was his way of thanking the French public for their support over the years). His stories go beyond cultural boundaries, connecting with people from all walks of life. Through his characters and narratives, he delves into the intricacies of the human experience, making us laugh, cry and ponder the meaning of it all.

In the world of cinema, Woody Allen’s writing is a testament to the enduring power of storytelling. It’s a reminder of the way art can entertain, challenge and inspire us. So, as we celebrate Woody Allen’s 88th birthday, let’s acknowledge the lasting impact of his words, which continue to shape our lives and enrich the art of filmmaking for generations to come.

Woody Allen writing