Rise of the Dick Pic

As we enter another year it’s time to reflect on changes to this modern society we call home and while men and women everywhere share photos of themselves taken by…. Themselves…… There’s a much bigger (pun intended) problem brewing.

Enter Richard.

As fellow man and friend don’t get me wrong, I love my dick, it’s not the greatest dick in the world, but it’s mine. I’ve been fascinated with it since my earliest days and I think every male would agree it consumes about 60% of the decisions we make. Some of my greatest tales started with it and now I can never show my face in the Palms Hotel Vegas ever again….. But that’s another story.

Here’s where harsh reality sets in…..

NOBODY WILL EVER APPRECIATE MY DICK AS MUCH ME…

I learnt this from a very young age, and while I really don’t want to write the word Grandmother while talking about dicks. She is in fact the very reason why I’ve never sent a sexually minded dick pic.

5 years old, me and my cuzzies are playing with GI Joes in the bath, I love how in youth nudity holds innocence, that’s until Gran walks in….. Ewwwww a girl! Quicker than a virgin in a brothel we covered our willies in shame; she giggled, smiled and then spoke words of unorthodox wisdom that I’ll never forget.

“I’ve seen a lot of penises in my time and they’re all ugly”

Isn’t it amazing what you remember from childhood?

I’m sorry guys….. But even if you attain the Tom Hardy of dicks, a very limited amount of women are going to sexually appreciate your glory in picture form. Don’t get me wrong they’ll appreciate the gesture if they’ve asked for it, but they’ll spend more time in comedic fits with friends laughing at the fact you have silk boxers on, or that you haven’t mowed the lawns well…. Ever!

Leave a bit of mystery, There’s a reason 50 shades of Grey (as terribly written as it was) is a top selling book. Women appreciate thought stimulation on a level in which males will never understand. Magic Mike as another example, while these beautiful men spend a majority of time getting naked for hordes of screaming women, I think what’s more attractive is the fact that these men are laughing at themselves, having a good time, all while respecting modern feminism. The thought alone that men like this exist!

I’ve been hanging out a lot with my single female friends lately, and I’ve been intrigued with the amount of horrible dick pics they receive…. I’m talking Aloha the movie horrible… Get creative! Send a seductive text message instead, stimulate the mind!

“I can’t wait to come over tonight, I’m going to massage you with organic coconut oil and then go down on you while we watch making a murderer”

A little tongue and cheek never hurts, and while not everybody has a way with words, if you must disregard my advice and send a dick pic at least take ratemydickpic websites advice.

  1. It’s 2016 chuck a black and white filter on it maaaate…. It will romanticize that horrible veiny red thing you call your pride and joy.
  2. Don’t include a comparison object, not even a kitten can make your dick cute.
  3. NEVER USE FLASH
  4. Trim your hedges Beaker

My Advice, keep the main vein at bay and send her a picture of you doing the dishes with a big smile on your face. Now that’s sexy!

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