How to Manifest and Maintain a Healthy Relationship
These days, so many people fall into situationships because they indulge in the perks of being in a relationship without any of the responsibility. While this is fun for a little while, it can make things complicated when boundaries aren’t established, needs aren’t met, and intentions are not made clear.
There’s nothing wrong with having regular sex with someone without the committment, or having multiple partners at a time. But this is only okay if you’re clear with everyone involved that this is what you want and are doing. “You need to set intentions, whether you want a fuck buddy or a committed relationship, so you can move forward with integrity. This helps us avoid miscommunication and unnecessary conflict,” says Dakota Ramppen, a sex educator, relationship coach, and the host of the podcast Get Real With Dakota.
In their new Boundary Boss Workbook, Ramppen highlights how to identify your ideal relationship structure, the aspects of a healthy relationship, and how to implement boundaries with your partner. Before it comes out on June 20th, we wanted to give you a little preview of what to expect. Here’s how you can manifest and maintain a healthy relationship, no matter what type of connection you’re looking for.
How to manifest a healthy relationship
If you want a healthy relationship, it’s important to identify what kind of relationship you want, why you want it, and what it should look like. Take these steps to manifest your #relationshipgoals:
1. Decide on what you want.
When you’re clear about what you want, it’s easier to attract and create the circumstances necessary for achieving it. But what if you’re not exactly sure of what you’re looking for? In Ramppen’s workbook, you can take a quiz to identify which type of relationship structure is right for you. Would a friend with benefits meet your needs? Do you just need a booty call? Or are you ready for a serious relationship? You’ll find that out and more!
Regardless of what results you get, Ramppen says there’s one red flag that you need to watch out for — someone who says they just want to “go with the flow and see where it goes.” In most cases, someone gets hurt because boundaries are not identified, communication is not clear, and both parties may invest in the relationship differently. Decide on what you want before you dive in so you can make sure you’re meeting your needs. Then, communicate that with the other person so your intentions are clear.
2. Get clear about why you want it.
After you’ve identified what you want out of a relationship, you need to take the time to understand why that’s the relationship structure you want. Are you just lonely or sexually frustrated? Are you ready for a serious relationship? Or do you just want to explore your sexual desires? Your reason is totally valid as long as you’re aware of it and choosing a relationship structure that is rooted in self-respect and self-awareness.
You can use the results from Ramppen’s quiz to figure out why that kind of relationship would work best for you. Maybe you like your sex without love and your love without sex? Maybe you want a companion but don’t have the time in your schedule to commit to a relationship? Whatever your reason, it’s your responsibility to be clear about it so you can respect your boundaries and the other person’s time and energy.
3. Figure out how you want it.
This is where you identify your boundaries regarding your relationship structure. What will you allow and what is completely off the table? Ramppen says you should not skip this part! “When boundaries are not identified, things can get messy and feelings can get hurt,” they say. “Doing this heavy lifting upfront will make it easier to manifest and maintain the relationship of your dreams.”
If you follow Ramppen on Instagram, you’ll know that there are three types of boundaries: soft, hard, and unspoken.
Soft boundaries are malleable, meaning they change as the relationship dynamic changes. For example, you may not like your partner using their phone in front of you during dates or quality time. If they do it in the beginning of your relationship, it may irritate you, but as the relationship progresses and you get more comfortable in silence around them, it might not be as big of a deal.
Hard boundaries are boundaries that mean a lot to you but will not end a relationship if crossed. This can include your partner raising their voice in an argument or dancing with someone else at a party. If these boundaries are crossed, you should have a conversation with your partner about how and why they make you uncomfortable. This conversation should end in them understanding and respecting your boundary or both of you reaching a compromise.
Unspoken boundaries are boundaries that if crossed will end a relationship. For some people, this includes cheating or lying. If you’re in a monogamous relationship and you have to address your partner about cheating or lying, chances are there is no conversation to be had. The necessary next step would be to leave the relationship.
It’s not always easy to create boundaries or stick to them. In Ramppen’s workbook, they highlight what you can say to your partner to implement these boundaries or start a conversation if they’re crossed. Ramppen also offers a Boundary Boss Workshop that walks you through each step of the Boundary Boss process. You will receive a copy of the workbook with your workshop purchase and gain the opportunity to ask specific questions related to all things boundary-related. The workshop is a great time to walk through this process with a professional and leave feeling like a boundary badass! If you’re interested in attending this workshop, click here to purchase your ticket today.
How to maintain a healthy relationship
After you’ve manifested a healthy relationship, you’ll want to take the necessary steps to maintain it so that it always works for you. If you want your relationship to last, follow these steps:
1. Build a strong foundation.
The foundation of a healthy relationship includes:
- Boundaries
- Communication
- Trust
- Respect
- Security
- Comfort
- Privacy
- Space
- Affection
- Room for growth
If one of these qualities is broken, like trust, you’ll have to decide if continuing the relationship is right for you. If your partner can work on one of these qualities, like giving you space, you can work together to make your time together intentional and your time apart a priority. Either way, a conversation is necessary when you believe one of these qualities has been breached or neglected.
These conversations can be difficult and uncomfortable, but you can reflect on what areas need work before initiating the conversation. Ramppen will offer a “Get Ready and Stay Ready” relationship course this summer which will break down the process of manifesting and maintaining your #relationshipgoals. This is the ultimate package! It will include reflections, activities, and actionable steps to help you understand your needs, remove self-sabotaging behaviors through understanding your relationship beliefs, establish a strong foundation, manage trauma, master productive disagreements, and more!
2. Identify your relationship issues.
If a boundary has been crossed or a quality disregarded, you should identify exactly what it was. You can also just ask yourself, “What issues or conflicts continue to arise in my relationship?” If your partner has the password to all your social media accounts or wants to know what you’re doing at all times, then they’re not respecting your privacy. This can also be a sign that trust has not been established and they may either be projecting their insecurities onto you or trying to control you. Since trust and privacy are two foundational qualities of a healthy relationship, then these areas of your relationship could use some boundaries.
3. Understand your partner’s intentions.
If you haven’t set a boundary but are discovering that you should, Ramppen says you should ask yourself, “Are my feelings justified?”
Your feelings are always valid. If you feel a certain type of way, then you deserve the space to inhibit your body and feel your feelings. But your feelings may not be justified, meaning, they may not be based on sound reasoning or information. Sometimes, your reaction to a certain situation can come from a trigger. If you have unhealed wounds, then a situation, person, sensory, or internal experience may bring you back to a past event.
Let’s say you were cheated on in the past by your ex-partner and a friend. You may feel threatened by your current partner creating friendships with your friends in group settings. While your feelings are valid, because you’ve been hurt before and don’t want to be hurt again, they are not necessarily justified because your current partner does not have the intention to cheat on you with a friend.
This is why it’s important to establish boundaries from the beginning. An unspoken boundary would be leaving your partner if they cheat on you with someone, especially a friend, but a soft boundary would be keeping your friend groups separate.
4. Show up for yourself.
You may be sharing your life with someone in an intimate way, but you should not lose sight of who you are while you’re in this relationship. If your partner hurts your feelings or crosses a line, have a conversation about their intentions and actions, then ask for what you need from them. If a foundational quality can’t be met or a boundary can’t be respected, then maybe this relationship is not for you.
If your partner continues to disregard your boundaries, say they choke you during sex after you’ve continutally told them not to, then that could be a red flag. If they’re not listening to you, they’re not respecting you, and if you don’t leave, then there’s no incentive for them to change.
If you find that you’re being triggered often, then you should have a conversation about your partner’s actions and how they make you feel. If your feelings are not justified, you should seek professional help from outside the relationship. “A therapist or counselor can help you unpack your unhealed wounds, put an end to your self-sabotaging behaviors, and make an action plan for what to do when you’re confronted with a trigger,” Ramppen says.
You can also show up for yourself by enrolling in Ramppen’s “Get Ready and Stay Ready” relationship course this summer which will outline all the steps required to manifesting and maintaining your #relationshipgoals. This program is all about doing the work right and doing it sooner than later. You will learn all about your relationship non-negotiables, where your relationship ideals stem from, and how you can shift your mindset to attract the relationship you deserve. They will lead you through various lessons that show you how to handle your triggers in the moment, how to recover from infidelity and rebuild trust, how to experience mind-blowing sex, and more!
5. Have fun.
One of the most important parts of any relationship — be it casual or committed — is to have fun. You should enjoy the time you’re spending with your partner. If it’s purely based on pleasure, then you should tell them what you like and make sure they’re satisfying you. If it’s an emotional connection, you should do fun activities together to get to know each other better. If the good vibes just come naturally and there’s mutual respect, then it’s probably a good match. Whatever relationship you decide works for you, find the right person to share it with and enjoy each other.
Curious about if the Boundary Boss Workshop is right for you? Sign up for a free intake session with Dakota today!
