In light of yet another Mississippi governor celebrating yet another “Confederate Heritage Month”, I’d like to revisit the Confederacy, and this romanticized narrative that many are affording it.


According to the Civil War Trust, the 11 states who made up the Confederate States of America did so for this reason:

Slavery was the law of the land, north and south, until the early 19th century. It was concentrated in the southern states, where slaves were used as farm laborers and formed the backbone of the southern economy. In the northern states, where industry drove the economy, many people believed…

Photo by David Matos on Unsplash

I haven’t written in a while, and it’s not because I haven’t wanted to. It’s just that I’ve sort of slipped back into that place where I’m embarrassed by my struggle. I also don’t want to be defined by my struggle, so I’ve been hoping another muse would take flight in my vicinity. Alas, I am still here.

I’m not healed, and I doubt that’s even a realistic goal. I am MUCH better. Capital letters. But I’m not where I wish I was. I still have a long way to go. Every time I start to think I’ve really turned…

I don’t know when it happened, and I don’t know why. All I know is that it did.

There was a time when magic existed in my life, and there was a time when I believed in it, but I’ve lost it. Through all of this, I think I’ve finally come face to face with the reason why I’ve been so sad, depressed, or whatever else this may be.

I stopped believing in magic.

I’m not talking about fairy tales. I’m talking about the magic found in a cool breeze. The magic you feel when the sunlight hits your face…

Good morning, everyone!

Today is the first day that I’ve felt a bit normal, and I’m trying to enjoy it. I mean, I don’t know that I know what “normal” necessarily means anymore, but I don’t feel as hopeless today as I have. I’ve been hoping against hope that a general hopeless melancholy isn’t just my new “normal”, and today gives me a little bit of hope that I might eventually move past this. That being said, you never know what your mind will do, do you?

The worst part about a nasty bout with depression and anxiety is seeing…

Up and down. Left and right. Inside out. I don’t know.

Completely unsettled.

The immediate stressor was removed when I quit my job, but I’m still fighting battles that I thought would disappear a lot faster. Alas, that’s not how it works. It’s taken a long time for me to get to this point, so it only makes sense that it’s going to take some time for me to get better.

I’m just impatient.

All I want to do is sleep, and I still feel like I’m not really here.

I think the worst part of all of this has…

So, the thing that’s been killing me pretty much ended yesterday. It was my job. I was able to quit, and I’ll be starting a new one in a couple of weeks.

I felt a lot of relief initially, but I also had to visit my psychiatrist, and I had one of my biggest personal meltdowns of this entire ordeal — which means I crawled into bed, and cried like a baby until I fell asleep for a couple of hours. It was bad.

Today I woke up feeling just as anxious and sad as before, even though I no…

I’m still having a hard time. Going to sleep is hard. Waking up is hard. Getting out of the bed is even harder. Taking a shower is hard. Getting dressed is hard. Being present for my wife and kids is hard. Going to work is the hardest. Every second of every day is hard. I know why, and I’m trying my best to rectify it, but I’m not having any luck so far.

I still think about dying every day. Passive suicidal ideation, I’m told. I wish I could just throw my hands up, and walk away from what’s killing…

Have you ever had that thought?

I have. This week, even.

No, I don’t really want to die. I have a beautiful family that I love. They need me, and I need them. It’s just that life feels like SO MUCH sometimes. The idea of just pressing STOP sounds incredibly appealing. Even so, no, I don’t want to die. I just want this anxiety and this depression to stop, because it has become every second of my life. I would rather die than live like this for the rest of my life. That’s the honest truth. …

Photo by Mitch Lensink on Unsplash

I’m not proud of my struggles, but I’m tired of pretending they aren’t there. I’m tired of going through the motions. Most of all, I’m tired of feeling alone. I’m not going to hide from these things anymore. I’m going to write, and if all I can write about is how shitty I feel today, that’s what I’ll write about.

That being said, today is Wednesday, January 15th, and I can’t move.

Seriously. I feel paralyzed. I left work to catch my breath. I drove to McDonald’s to get a quick lunch. I sat in the parking lot for 15…

Who are you?

It seems simple enough, doesn’t it?

But can you really share the fullness of who you are with another person?

Sure, it’s easy to give people just enough to get by, but does anyone really know your most hidden places? Have you ever been completely honest with anyone about all the things? The things you believe, the things you don’t believe, and the heartbreaking things that you just can’t believe anymore? The reasons you freeze? The things that you cry about when you’re all by yourself? Can you talk about those things with anyone?

If you can…

Jason Whittington

Husband. Daddy. Friend. Writer. Musician. Reader. Listener. INTP. Cigar Enthusiast. Coffee Dependent. Dare to know.

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