So, the thing that’s been killing me pretty much ended yesterday. It was my job. I was able to quit, and I’ll be starting a new one in a couple of weeks.
I felt a lot of relief initially, but I also had to visit my psychiatrist, and I had one of my biggest personal meltdowns of this entire ordeal — which means I crawled into bed, and cried like a baby until I fell asleep for a couple of hours. It was bad.
Today I woke up feeling just as anxious and sad as before, even though I no longer have a good reason. It feels like some kind of PTSD. I’ve gotten used to the anxiety, and it’s been so severe that it’s going to take some time for me to get back to normal.
I’m taking it day by day, and I feel better right now than I did an hour ago. I know I’m going to be okay. I have an incredible support system of family and friends who have had my back, held my hand, and caught more than a few tears through this. Especially my amazing wife.
I still feel ‘weak’ for admitting to feeling this things. This stigma is so ingrained into everything that I’ve been taught about masculinity, and it’s hard to be honest about feeling these feelings. I just hope we can all be brave enough to talk about depression and anxiety like we talk about things like high blood pressure and diabetes. It’s just as real, and it’s just as harmful.
All of that being said, you guys take care of yourselves, and don’t hesitate to HMU if you need someone to talk to.
As I’ve been told over and over through all of this: You matter.
‘Til next time.