01.31.2020

Up and down. Left and right. Inside out. I don’t know.

Completely unsettled.

The immediate stressor was removed when I quit my job, but I’m still fighting battles that I thought would disappear a lot faster. Alas, that’s not how it works. It’s taken a long time for me to get to this point, so it only makes sense that it’s going to take some time for me to get better.

I’m just impatient.

All I want to do is sleep, and I still feel like I’m not really here.

I think the worst part of all of this has been the loss of my identity. I had hobbies, talents, and a general optimism towards life before all of this happened, and now I feel like nothing more than a body — a weary conglomerate of cells, forming organs that are furiously working to keep my body alive. My passion for life is non-existent. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t know what I enjoy. I don’t know what I don’t enjoy. I’m not sure I can tell the difference right now. I’m sure that with time this will get better. I hope so, anyway.

Positives. I haven’t been thinking about dying every day. Also, I do have a little bit of time to get my head right before I start the new job. I didn’t realize it had gotten this bad. I mean, I knew that I was in a bad place, but I didn’t realize how deep it had gotten until I quit the job, and still didn’t want to get up the next day. Three days later, I’m still generally bummed out, and while I’m a lot more bummed out when I’m alone, I’m not quite as bummed out when I’m not alone. Small victories, right?

I’ve rambled enough for today.

Take care of yourselves.