A Temporary Reprieve / Living Right Now

Jason Whittington
Sep 4, 2018 · 2 min read
Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

I started taking pills for anxiety and depression about 6 months ago. I’d been in a perpetual state of depression for a few years now, and finally decided that it was time to give medication a chance.

I can recall a moment a couple of months after I started taking it when I realized that I was taking a shower without beating my head against the wall. This was a big deal for me, because my time in the shower every morning had become more of a daily reckoning. Yes, my body would be clean, but I would routinely beat the shit out of whatever the previous day had left of my psyche. I felt a very real freedom in that moment. A weight had lifted, and it was almost like I was cheating life. Seriously. It was like I had used a cheat code on a video game, and even though the experience would be fleeting and imaginary, I could beat that game’s ass for a little while. To put it in more practical terms: I was fully awake, and I didn’t hate myself.

Fast forward to this morning when I realized that I’ve never imagined the pain going away completely. I remembered that perpetual sadness still lurking in the corner of my mind, waiting for a crack in the dam that this medication has afforded me. I almost felt it whispering to me. And just like a backwards-ass junkie, I wanted it back. I wanted to feel that pain. I wanted to wallow in that sadness. I wanted to hate myself again. I wanted to stop taking the medicine, and I wanted to feel everything again.

What lunacy.

I realized pretty quickly that I’m not better, and it bummed me out. And of course I’m not. I won’t ever be better. I won’t ever be healed of this. There is no magical cure for mental illness. It’s frustrating. All the same, I’m thankful for the momentary reprieve this medication has afforded me. I don’t know where life is going to take me, and I don’t know when that ever-present, hateful, self-loathing voice will once again trickle into my conscience. All I can do is live in this moment, and it’s the hardest thing that I’ve ever tried to do. The more I think about it, the less I’m able to pull it off, so even thought I’m medicated, keeping myself busy is still my first line of defense.

I’m not going to be able to wrap this post up with a pretty little bow, but I needed to share it nonetheless.

Here’s to never reliving my past.

Here’s to never cowering in the face of the future.

Here’s to living in the here and now.

Cheers.

FEATURE IMAGE: Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

Jason Whittington
Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade