How to Have a Happy Marriage: Practice Difficult Communication
Recently I had a conversation with a friend who is newly engaged. He asked me if I had any relationship advice, after learning I had been happily married for 10 years. I said the most important component of my peaceful marriage is effective communication. Marriage is by definition a compromise. There are two people, but only one…. One house, one bedroom, one dinner, one vacation, one child care decision, one way to pay bills, one movie night, etc. A single person makes decisions like the ones above all the time. They usually do what they think is best for them, what makes them happy. Alternatively, in a marriage, there are two people contemplating a single decision. If you want to go to your favorite Mexican restaurant, but your spouse is craving Italian, what do you do?
Who Would Want To Have Difficult Conversations?
I think it is important to have difficult conversations before you get married. As a single person, even one who is engaged to be married, you have a lot of personal power. Unless you are already living together, you still have a right to make individual choices. However, once you are married, you are committed to doing things as a “team”. Therefore it is a good idea to develop effective communication right now, before marriage, by practicing difficult conversations.
People who are engaged have a tendency to focus on the promise of a wonderful future with a wonderful person. We notice the things about the other person that delight us, that resonates with us, and that fit in with our own life. Negative traits tend to be overlooked, or tolerated. We do not focus on the ways that the other person is different from us, or how their life competes with ours. But, once we tie the knot and move in together, those differences are literally right in our faces.
It is important to start to talk about differences now. One reason is you might come to the conclusion that you have less in common than you thought. You might find that the relationship is a lot more work than you bargained for. There may be some irreconcilable differences, which are deal breakers. We all want to love and be loved. But you may wind up having to make the hard decision, that this person is not the one you can spend the rest of your life with.
Another reason to talk about differences now is to practice this form of communication. While you are single, you are still living like you always have. You know what you want, what you like, what works for you. You are not married yet, so you are not morally obligated to compromise, or to do something that you don’t want to do. It is easier to find the courage to be totally honest before you tie the knot.
Every person is an individual. There will definitely be areas where you two do not agree. Find them now. Work them out now. Practice with the little things. That way when the big things occur, you can be calm and confident in your ability to communicate with your special person.
How Do Difficult Conversations Work?
Start by having each person state their preferences. Then determine how important the issue is to each person. Consider a person’s history, personality, and level of personal security. Try to figure out why this issue is important to you or the other person. Then, it is time to do the math.
Here is an example. My habit is to throw trash on the floor of the passenger seat while I am driving. Once a week I take it all to the trash can. No big deal to me. My spouse values neatness, and appearances more than I do. He hates to see taco wrappers and empty yoo-hoo bottles on the floor of the car. It looks trashy to him. So, our conflict arises!
We began by having a discussion about how important the issue was to each of us. I shared my thoughts that strangers do not see the trashy floor of my car. It is my car, so I don’t care what strangers say. Appearances do not matter to me. My spouse was raised in a family that emphasized appearances, and that sense of propriety is very ingrained in him. The trash really bothers him. It is not something that he can ignore. It is something that makes him unhappy every time he sees it.
At this point in the conversation, the human thing to do might be to feel defensive. I am an adult, and can do what I want. I do not have to do what my spouse says. These thoughts are true. However, I have to decide, with the new information that I have, what do I want now. What is going to bring me more joy: to put my trash on the floor, or to see happiness in my spouse’s eyes? For me, it is easy to get a car trash can and throw the trash in there. It is no big deal. I don’t need to exercise my right to do what I want with my car. I can give my spouse the gift of complying with his desires because his happiness makes me happy too!
Practice Small, and Work Towards Big Success!
Many issues in a marriage are similar to this. They are more important to one person than the other. They are easily examined and resolved if we can keep our ego in check. It is important to remember that we got married because that was where we found our joy! Changing some of our habits comes with the territory. We knew that was a reality when we entered this union of our souls.
Some issues will be much more difficult. Where the questions are BIG, like major decisions on child issues or housing issues, communication may be complicated. Both of you may have very strong needs, feelings, and ideas. It may take a lot of patient communication to figure it out. How much of the problem is based on real need? How much of the problem is personal ego? How flexible can you be without giving up your own happiness?
So start now, and practice problem solving with little things. The process of using good communication comes easier with practice. This way, when you get married and are trying to decide which new house to buy, you are prepared for the discussion. You can put your individual egos in the same basket, and remember that you are a team. You will know your partner well enough, what their key issues are, where their needs lie. You can make a decision that is based on mutual love, with mutual respect for the team and for each other.
Conclusion
Marriage is full of difficult communication. Trying to put two people in one space is challenging. But, with practice, you can learn to make these difficult conversations peaceful, productive, and ultimately satisfying to all concerned. Peace out.
