Happily Ever After (in singlehood)
Happiness, described in the Oxford dictionary as the state of being happy.
Happy, feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.
If anyone were to ask the teenage-me what makes me happy, I would have said food, sleepovers, my sisters (who are my best friends) and spending my days watching MTV Base. Now ask grown-woman-me and my answers would sound more like, financial stability, food, quality time with my godchildren, travelling, my sisters (who are still my best friends), that feeling of being so engrossed in a book that you don’t see the hours fly by, and then that deep-belly laughter I share with my friends over coffee/dinner dates and Games Nights. Each of these things bring me joy unspeakable, each of these things add to my pursuit of happiness.
As a child, if I were to think of the words Happily Ever After I never would have imagined where I am today. The stereotypical fairy tale of living Happily Ever After alludes to meeting a Prince Charming and entering a blissful phase of a seemingly happy life. My happy life currently consists of living in the present, and my present reality is that I am thirty-something, single, childless, joyful and at peace. However, the Patriarchy Edition of happiness tells me that I should have subscribed to marriage and children by now, especially if I still want to utilise my viable eggs! Society tells me that I shouldn’t wait much longer to get married because men will look at me sideways and ask, ‘What’s wrong with her’? And now that I’m over the age of thirty, should I still choose to have children, Doctors will inevitably refer to me as a mother of ‘advanced maternal age’. Nice. The thing is, I really enjoy being single and childless! The patriarchy wants everyone to believe that the unmarried woman is afraid to be alone. She is bored. Desperate. Sad and unable to hold down a relationship. If you are a single woman you may well relate to some of these things, but it doesn’t have to be your final narrative. There are countless seminars, books, podcasts and support groups on ‘How to be a better wife. How to maintain a successful marriage. And how to prepare yourself for marriage’. Very little is said about being content in singlehood or cultivating ambition or purpose. I loathe the idea of waiting to meet my other half. Why am I a half and how will someone ‘complete’ me? No, my desire is to exude joy and peace unspeakable, and to live unapologetically.
Society often pities the mature, single woman, whilst celebrating the single bachelor. Young men in their twenties are rarely questioned about marriage, children or ‘settling down’. While men are applauded for turning their focus to work and building a career, women are asked when they going to transition into married life. Rest assured, I am not anti-marriage in the slightest, however, I am opposed to the societal and cultural pressures of marriage, and the narrative that says marriage is the final destination.
This narrow story of Husband + Child = Woman
This doesn’t discount anyone who has a husband and a child, but in my version of the narrow way, I am undermined — Tracee Ellis Ross
My journey in singlehood has very much been one of self-discovery, un-learning societal pressures, good dates and a few bad ones too. I’ve lost count of the number of times that I’ve been asked, When are you getting married? Don’t leave it too long… Maybe you’re too fussy… You don’t put yourself out there enough. Well I don’t know if you have been ‘out there’ but the dating scene is a jungle! I told myself that it was necessary to take a step back from dating until I was wholly satisfied in who I was becoming as a person, and also had a clearer idea of what my life partner would look like. My singlehood journey has been a pilgrimage in pursuit of joy and contentment, one where I’ve learnt how to enjoy my own company without having to depend on others.
To be content in singlehood, I’ve found that it’s helpful to establish where your focus resides. Personal development has been one of my top areas of focus. Asking myself pivotal questions such as, Who am I? What values are important to me? What type of woman do I want to become? How do I give love and how do I want to be loved? And these answers weren’t discovered in a day — they became questions that birthed more questions, which in turn led me to understand who I am today. As long as there is a willingness to understand myself and how I relate to people, the learning never stops!
Learn to enjoy Your own company: In a relationship you become accustomed to venturing out with someone. Movie nights, restaurants, activities and travelling are all things that you may associate with the company of people. Rarely would you think of these things and decide to go alone. When I was 21 years old, I moved to Birmingham to begin my post-graduate studies. It was a new city and I didn’t know anyone there. Though exciting I fast realised that this would be my first time living alone. Unknowingly, I had pushed myself to overcome a societal fear of being alone. I began doing things alone that I had previously associated with groups of people — movie nights, concerts, dinner, and in later years solo travel. In doing these things, I not only learnt how to enjoy my own company, but I also grew in confidence which made me feel empowered. I remember when I aspired to be that carefree woman who moved through life at her own pace. Someone who travelled often, drinking in the cultures and unafraid to do things alone. I am she. And she is me.
Tapping into the stories and experiences of other powerful, unmarried women has also opened my eyes. Tracee Ellis Ross is one of the most bad ass women I will ever come across. She is an inspiration to women like myself who often feel suffocated by the societal expectations. It was her Glamour, Woman of the Year speech in 2017 that re-awakened my desire to fall in love with who I am.
Get your money up: While unattached to a life partner or children, prioritise getting your finances in order. Living a financially independent life is one aspect of life that I’m learning to master. Whether I’m setting myself monthly or quarterly goals, or planning multiple streams of income, it’s become important that I challenge myself to be able to meet my own financial needs and make that personal investment. The ability to provide for myself, manage my money and have my own assets is a life lesson that my Dad instilled in me. This isn’t to say that there isn’t room to be spoiled by a significant other *wink wink* but it’s important to me that I’m able to stand on my own two feet where money is concerned.
Cultivate relationships: Friendships are the relationships that I cannot live without. Having friends that you can be vulnerable with has changed my life. There’s so much beauty in being able to share life with others. Companionship with friends and family are equally as important as romantic relationships. I’m so grateful for quality time spent with my tribe and the open conversations on everything from adulthood, to love and loss.
God first: My faith walk is a huge part of my life, so taking time to develop a personal and intimate relationship with God has been a highlight of my journey. To hope in someone higher than myself makes life that much more bearable.
Finding ways to enjoy the now is the key to being happy, confident and powerful. That said, I’ve also come to the realisation that it’s okay to be content in life but still desire a life partner. Contentment in singlehood doesn’t have to mean remaining where you are, but rather being happy in the now. So, if the next chapter of my life happens to include a life partner, I won’t fight it, but for now, I choose joy. That’s my happily ever after.
