Lessons Learnt in Adulthood

Earlier this year I celebrated my twenty eighth birthday. As far as birthdays go it was one of my best birthdays yet. With the joy of birthdays also comes reflection. I often look back with pride at how far I’ve come and look forward to what lies ahead. No seriously, where am I going? While I’m surprisingly unmoved by the acceleration to the “Dirty 30”, I still have a mild sense of anxiety towards adulthood. The older you get, the more you realise that time knows no mercy. I’ve already lost count of how many times this year I’ve told myself, Time to get your life together — because each time I think I’ve got something under control, another area of life demands my attention! Although I’m unsure of what exactly I need to do to master adulthood, I can’t help thinking that there is unfinished business to do in the final years of my twenties. In reflection of the years gone and those ahead I want to share some key lessons that I’ve learnt, and a few myths we could all do away with.

Go against the grain; from the moment we enter school we are advised that there are a particular set of steps to follow in the educational system to reach a desired career path. We go to Junior school to be prepped for Secondary school. We are then led to choose between the avenues of college, University, apprenticeships or full-time work. Whilst we are in the educational system little is said about the alternative routes to reach our goals. If like me you have/had a desire to go into higher education, no doubt you’ve been advised to take a particular route, which will miraculously open up a plethora of doors. In many ways I agree with this, but what happens when a person’s strengths do not lie in academia? Is there enough advice for alternative routes? I vaguely remember one brief interview with the school careers advisor before leaving for sixth form, yet I’m not sure whether I left with any more information than when I went in.

Studying in higher education can be a pressure in itself, and so finding a path that works for you is paramount. If like me, you love studying but also find it as painful as pulling out your own teeth, then you may want to consider studying part-time or explore the fast track options. (Warning: studying in a condensed amount of time is a health warning in itself! Unless you can work well under pressure and also work to tight deadlines, then this is not for the faint hearted).

Whichever educational or career path you’re embarking on, be sure to explore the various routes to get there, because there’s no one-size-fits-all to being successful. Seek out people who have been down the route you are viewing and ask for advice and tips to aid you.

Stay in your lane; in a society drenched in social media consumption, we are often hasty to diagnose the side effects this has on children and teenagers, yet somehow overlook what it does to adults too. No doubt you may have browsed the social media of a friend, colleague or family member and have either been struck with awe, envy or intrigue at their leisure and lifestyle habits, or relationships and family dynamic. I often remind my friends that looking at people’s lifestyle via social media is like looking through rose tinted glasses. We see the end result of a persons’ small business thriving; a new house purchase; or a long vacation, and can be wholly unaware of what it took to get to that place, sacrificially, financially, mentally and even emotionally.

Some years ago I was sat with a group of friends, the topic escapes me, but I recall one friend saying, I wish I had your life. I looked around the room wondering who she was referring to, and all eyes fell on me! In genuine disbelief I asked her why she felt that way and she replied that I always wore nice clothes — that day I wore an old Primark dress and Doc Martens, standard student attire for me — and she commented that I was always on holiday! Where holidays were concerned I made her aware that I had just returned from my first overseas holiday in three years. I didn’t mention it at the time, but that particular year was nothing to envy whatsoever. I had been studying full time, struggling to find a part time job, and I was still learning how to juggle the financial joys and woes of living independently. What that particular friend saw were the highlights of my year, and not one ounce of the struggles.

In recent years I have restricted my own social media where personal affairs are concerned. If a person chooses to piece together the puzzles of my life they would only be met with delusions of grandeur. I am intentional in showing the “highlight reel”, the travels, dining out and personal achievements, and feel no obligation to broadcast my personal struggles in the same way. And this is not for lack of transparency but some battles are better fought in private.

I like to go running to clear my mind and keep fit. On one particular run, I recall jogging through the last mile on a cruel uphill road. As I glanced to the other side of the road I saw a man sprinting downhill. I somehow saw myself becoming envious of his pace, neglecting to see that I was in the last leg of a three mile run, and for all I knew he may have just started.

There comes a point in adulthood where it seems as though there is a race to complete education; gain financial stability; become a home owner; find a spouse, or enter parenthood. It’s easy to feel discouraged when it seems like it’s happening fast for your peers and you are being left behind.

Note to self: A sense of direction is more valuable than the pace at which you move. Comparing our lives to others is a mistake many of us make far too often, failing to realise that we are rarely if ever travelling in the same lane.

Champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget;

(Adj.) living a lavish lifestyle that your current budget cannot support.

Adulthood has taught me a great deal about managing money, that said I am still ironing out the kinks of some bad habits. It’s a process. Going to University was a great experience for being eased into a life of financial independence, that’s if you count a state loan as financial independence! It’s all too easy to get carried away and live outside your means, especially if you haven’t been taught how to manage money.

I found the following websites and courses useful in learning how to manage money; Cap Money is a personal favourite, a free, practical money management course that teaches the basic principles of how to Budget, Save, Spend wisely. It also provides a free budget plan which can be updated weekly or monthly. To keep on top of finances, check your credit score at using Experian; and make savings using Money Supermarket.

It took years for me to learn how to say ‘no’ or ‘another time’ when I didn’t have money to spare. Turning down social events and even holidays is no fun at all, but believe me when I say, if you don’t have the money save yourself the financial distress later and don’t spend it! This said, everyone’s ‘I don’t have money’ is very different. When my friends say they don’t have money their social appearances slow down but they later reappear with new cars, booked holidays, keys to a new property and business plans. When I don’t have money you’ll find me in one of three places, at work trying to make money; at home saving money; and at church praying for money! It’s easy to fall into the trap of Keeping Up with the Joneses, forgetting that our budgets and salaries are not the same as others. I went through a period of reminding myself that my salary is not the same as my peers, and this removed the pressure of feeling like I needed to be enjoying a similar social life.

Note to self: Comparison is the thief of joy.

Beware: Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing; in a recent conversation with a friend, we spoke about the exciting news of a mutual friend who is now engaged. Laughing, my friend said that we were talking as if it was our own news we were celebrating, to which I replied, It is! Why not celebrate every good news and success that your friends receive as if it is indeed your own? They win, the team wins. The reactions of friends when sharing ambitions and success stories will tell you exactly what you need to know about the state of your friendship. Flashback to some years ago when I collected my A-Level exam results; as I opened my results a friend lent over my shoulder asking to see my grades. Pointing to one grade they asked, ‘How did you get that? I worked just as hard as you!’ Some friends want to see you doing well, but never better than them.

Good friends will always encourage, uplift and hold you accountable for what you say and do. I cannot stress enough the importance of having encouraging friends. That said, every friend serves a different purpose, some are for a season and others for life. I often find myself in conversations with friends who battle whether or not to maintain friendships with old friends. It’s natural for friends to grow apart with time, especially when the common ground that once brought you together (work, school, hobbies) are no longer the focal point of your friendship. A few major keys in my own friendships have been honesty, respect, transparency, and encouragement. Each of these factors have been paramount in maintaining long lasting friendships, so that regardless of the physical distance, different career paths, or even faiths, the roots run deep.

Experience has shown me that not everyone who claims to support you is genuinely willing to do it. I’ve seen and heard friends and spouses talk one another out of career aspirations; feign happiness at the success of others, and even ‘copy’ business plans like for like. Always apply wisdom in sharing future plans, and even some struggles. The inner circle of friends needs to be a place of safety, freedom and sound advice, anything that disturbs that peace is not worth your time.

Note to self: Unlike family, you can always choose your friends, so choose wisely.

Get Your Life Together; as I reach the end of my twenties I’m reminded that these are my fun-carefree-get-your-life-together-years. The perfect oxymoron if I ever heard one. On the one hand it’s exciting having the luxury of living on my own terms, but on the flip side I have major existential angst over where I should be. (Spoiler alert: you don’t need to have everything in life figured out right now!) I’ve come to accept that it’s perfectly okay to still be ironing out the creases of life’s mysteries as you go along. Imagine that! In no way am I promoting a lifestyle void of direction, but releasing ourselves from the pressures of time restraints is one of the best things you can do for your mental well-being.

I often speak to my friends who are in their thirties and it’s not uncommon for them to be taking on new ventures and careers, and not necessarily for lack of direction, but the 5 or 10 year plans we make in our youth aren’t always suited to the journey we find ourselves on in later years. There may come a time when you too find yourself re-evaluating where your strengths and passions lie so that you can at least begin to get your life together.

Note to self: It’s perfectly okay to re-evaluate your journey and take time whilst doing it — remember that when you stay in your lane, you go at a pace that suits you.

Each One, Teach One; In the years that I was away from home as a student I was fortunate enough to have a handful of people that became mentors to me. Most of which aided me in my emotional, spiritual and mental growth. These people not only inspired me to mentor teenagers and young adults, but also launch a mentoring scheme. Mentoring others, or even sharing in wisdom and knowledge is a great way to give back.

You may not have a desire to be mentor, but need to be mentored instead. Mentors aren’t restricted to education and careers advice, a mentor can help to aid emotional and spiritual growth, and even advise on relationships, from nuclear family to spousal. Finding a mentor requires time, but is always worth it. If you are working towards a career, or just starting out, look for people in your field that are ambitious, humble, and a few steps ahead of you career-wise so that you can be advised on the journey ahead.

‘A mentor is someone who cares for you. Don’t just walk up to anyone and say ‘yo can you care for me’?’ — Ava DuVernay.

A mentor should always be someone that you are comfortable to
1) maintain a good relationship with (or potential for one);
2) have freedom to ask any questions and receive sound and honest advice in return.
Initially you may not even know your mentor on a personal level so explore the options around you. Ask friends and family, classmates and colleagues questions about the career path you are striving to, and whether they know anyone who could advise you. A friend of mine connected with a respected mogul via Twitter that she admired and their mentor/mentee relationship began from there. (N.B. If you are under the age of 18 years I do not advise that you message strangers, but approach all things with caution). Similarly, for those going into further education, make sure that you befriend people in the year(s) above you. Enquire about what your friend’s older siblings study, you’ll be surprised how many people are willing to give free advice because they too know how hard it was. And when you have accumulated all the information you need for your journey, make sure that you ‘pay it forward’ too.

Self-Care (The importance of); In recent years my eyes have been opened to the reality that my parents are workaholics, a disease that myself and my siblings have inherited in various ways. The hunger to excel in our work and do things with excellency can be both a gift a vice — a gift when doing things efficiently and a vice when our bodies cave into exhaustion, mentally and physically.

Self-care has become a non-negotiable part of my week in keeping myself physically, mentally and emotionally afloat. And the wonderful thing is that you don’t necessarily have to spend money doing it. My favourite modes of self-care are reading, writing, long walks, mani-pedis, baking and bubble baths (filled with essential oils, bath salts, bath bombs; accompanied by a special relaxation playlist or my favourite TV show; a glass of red or a herbal tea, with candles to complete the ambience.) I know, I know, I’m boujii with two ‘I’s’ but it’s needed. I am a big advocate of encouraging others to find their self-care remedies and physically resting.

I’m fortunate to be surrounded by highly ambitious people; entrepreneurs that jump from one project to the next with ease and yet I will still remind them that rest is not optional, good health is imperative. What use is there in beating your body to exhaustion only to be set back. This said, it’s not uncommon for me to reach a boiling point of fatigue where the only way I find rest is to leave the country or take a weekend trip away. While I recognise that this is a luxury, I make it a personal goal to escape to another place at least every six months. The freshness of a new environment brings me to a physical and mental renewal that my other modes of self-care can’t quite reach. Commit yourself to set aside a couple of hours in your week, or 30 minutes daily. I assure you that you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by making self-care a priority.

Adulthood is hard enough with the all the challenges and curve balls. Why complicate it by comparing your lifestyle to another. Whether you are right where you planned to be, or still on the journey, find your rhythm in your own time. Age is not necessarily a measuring stick for achievements. Discover your passions and interests, and make a plan to get to your destination. Go after what you want, and make sure you celebrate yourself when you get there.