Part II: A Thing like Depression
X: Say something.
X: Don’t just look at me.
X: I know what you’re thinking, you’re me. Speak up.
A: He was a piece of trash.
A: Our previous customer. The loud one. He was a piece of trash.
X: Ah… thank you.
A: Why? He’s yours. That makes you a piece of trash too. Or with characteristics of.
A: You’re weak.
X: I think I preferred you silent.
A: Tough, you weak piece of crap. You listen to me now.
X, A: We know everything-
A: -because I know everything. And he was right. You are the problem here.
X: I’m not the problem, all of you in here, you’re just fragments of me which got a voice. And Aozos, I know your sermon even before you say anything because-
X, A: -we know everything-
X: -because we just do-
A: Do you know who you are? He was right. You don’t. You only know what you want, then look at it from afar.
X: I work for it. I’m just slow-
A: No, you’re a failure. You love a girl who likes you back. We both know it wasn’t always like that. You need money that you don’t have. You know you could probably get it in a week if you wanted to. We know. It’s hard, its work, and it requires sacrifice. But I know. We know. It’s more than possible.
X, A: We know everything-
X: -that is within your reach-
A: -that is necessary. You want power. We. We want power. Independence. Power to fly to the moon and back. Power to rewrite people’s lives in an instant. Power to reconstruct the world over and over. And you know you could have it. We have enough, right now, to do so. We, we’re kings, you and I. And you’re playing humble pauper and killing us with your crap GET THAT CHOCOLATE OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!
X: No, I won’t. I have power. This is my body, not yours. And all these things you keep spouting, they’re impossible-
A: Are they? Have you tried? Failed? You have two demons in you. Your addiction to despair, and your arrogance the level of a king. Let me ask you, have you failed because of your fear or because of your arrogance, your recklessness?
X: I have not failed, dammit-
A: It is because of your fear, you weak piece of crap-
X: I HAVE NOT FAILED, DAMMIT!
A: You don’t shout at me. You don’t deserve the chance to dirty me with your voice.
X, A: OUR VOICE!
A: Because you’re so predictable. So predictable. Let me ask. What ability do you have? What skill do you have that matters? The singing? The writing? The drawing? DO you even know?
X: I do. I did the moment you did.
A: Good answer. Your only answer that matters in this conversation. Say it.
X: Why? I’m not giving you control…
A: Say it. This body is yours. Say it, and say it loud.
A: Say it, you weak thing.
X: I don’t want to.
A: I don’t… care. Say it. You need to say it. You know it is the best move to make right now.
X: Sigh… The ability to learn.
A: Good. Everything you have, you have because they were interesting, not because they were ingrained. And you work, hard, when that skill is needed. The other one?
X: The ability to tell stories.
A: Good. See? It wasn’t so hard. Don’t complicate life. You sharpen the wrong skills, skills you could lose and acquire, not the foundation of them all.
X: The thing I am building, I am building it for everyone in here, and everyone seems to have a problem with me-
A: Because you’re failing. Feel that? You’re sleepy now. And you’re not done. You think you can survive till the end of this entire talk? I know you will, but I know you would cave any other day.
A: Nothing to say, yeah? Trash-face was right. You don’t know who you are any more, and you’re slipping. We could do anything, boy. We could own the country by end week, maybe. You understand?
X: I know.
A: No, no do you understand? Do you know what you’re facing? Do you know what to do now? Of course you do. You’ve known since around 10 in the morning today.
X: You mentioned it. It’s not what we’re supposed to do-
A: Dump people. Keep your feelings in your pocket and man up.
X: I can’t… I can’t d-do that?
A: Of course you do. You do it a lot. It’s simple. Disappear. Don’t call, don’t get called. Don’t text, don’t text back. Don’t show. You’ve done this before.
X: I can’t do that.
X: They matter.
A: Family matters, everyone else has to be useful-
X: That’s the kind of thinking I am running from, and here you are pushing it back in our head. People matter, you just don’t use and discard.
A: Of course you don’t. You’re a fool, aren’t you? You need people who are useful, they give gainful advantage. With tangible result. You don’t live to be of charity to everyone. You’re already alone in a sea of people, so what do they matter? Or are you going to argue this too?
A: Please try.
A: I understand the truth. I know them. I see their true intentions. I know, we know. They all leave after a while. So leave first.
X, A: can’t (CAN’T?)
A: You have to be joking, I know you can, you know you can too? This doesn’t end up in a fairy tale land where everything works out, but where we do what we’re meant to do. Emotions are a weapon. You know this. Trash-face knows this.
X: I don’t trust you.
A: We don’t trust anyone, do we?
X, A: We know everything-
A: -that matters. I am king, boy. And I will not struggle any more.
X: Now what?