Freedom: The search, the discovery, the first step on the path.

I will listen, listen, listen for the Lord.

Freedom is an idea. Freedom is a goal. Freedom is a reality, promised, and somehow elusive. Maybe it’s because we are caged inside flesh, and it beats against all that is holy and free. Ourselves the cage. I want to see past it, I want to believe I’m free. I don’t want to see the scars from chains and instantly be back in those chains, even for a moment. Freedom isn’t a mind cleansing wipe of memory though. Freedom is a forward path without baggage and the option/ability to not accrue any more along the way.

I don’t like my past. I don’t like who I have been, what I have done most of it is a chain in one way or another. God offers me freedom, and while I put my hand out to take it, my other hand is feverishly holding onto my chains. I think, I feel, I need to hold onto those things as proof that, yes, it was me in the past that hurt you, that did those awful things, that spoke and acted insufferably. Here is my proof it was me, here is my proof and penance to any who may call me to task on who I used to be. Here, I still have it, I still see it and feel the burden of it. All for you who may or may not recall or recall it as my skewed memory has made it. An old, beaten, deformed shape of an ugly moment, feel, action. Unrecognizable to any except me who carries it in a complete waste of energy.

What am I to do if I let it go? How should I answer those who want to display or throw their memories of my ugliness. Should I say, I do not recall? Because I will recall. Should I say, I’m sorry? Because I am sorry. Should I say, that was a long time ago and I’m no longer that person? Because it was and I’m not, but it’s somewhat of a coward’s way out. Maybe the simple, I’m sorry is best. Because I am.

So going forward I will let go of these chains. This ugly tow of regret, missteps, hurts, lies, actions, etc… I leave it here, for now, hopefully forever. God, don’t let me pass by this place again. And if you lead me around, let me be smart enough to see the purpose. I want your freedom, I want to embrace all that is you. I do not want to duck out on the responsibility of my mistakes, but I do want to honor the fact that you took care of them for me. It would be akin to me remaking breakfast after someone loved me enough to prepare breakfast for me, but I did not want them to think I was unwilling to bear the burden of making breakfast. I am willing, but you took it from me so that I may live. Looking forward, moving on. I am new, I am yours, I am awkwardly standing anew. I will go, I will listen. I will not let the enemy hand me chains anymore. I pray that I am strong enough to resist the chains thrust at me from hurtful words, actions, and thoughts of others. I pray that I can confess that those chains are not mine anymore, they have been broken by Jesus Christ and I honor him. Oh, I pray.