The Vegan Wizard
Al was busy stirring a potion by the kitchen fireplace, when his crystal ball started buzzing. With dread he realized it was his mother. Only she could make the ball buzz with such urgency and menace. He summoned it to him, and tapped briefly on the pearly surface. It was her for sure, even that brief contact with the glass gave him a sharp electric shock.
- Damn!
- Is that a way to greet your mother? ‘Damn’?
- No, mom, the ball just gave me a shock.
- Huh, at least now you know how I feel every time I have to call you, because you can’t be bothered to even send a raven.
- Mom, I’m in the middle of a potion, what do you want?
- Oh, is that potion for the knight I sent over?
- No, I’m not making anything for him.
- Why not?
- He didn’t like any of my potions.
- Well, did you offer to make him a customized one?
- No.
- How can you be so blasé about this? It was a hundred dragon contract.
- I’m not blasé, he didn’t trust me to make one for him.
- Please say you didn’t tell him about that vegetarian bullshit.
- Mom, it’s no bullshit. That’s who I am, and I’m not giving up my principles for a hundred dragons. And, by the way, it’s vegan, not vegetarian.
- Where did we go wrong as parents, when we… what do you mean vegan, you won’t even use eye of newt now?
- I’ve never used eye of newt, there are plant-based substitutes you know. And, fyi, eye of newt is not even vegetarian.
- How do you brew a love potion, then? Do you boil palm fronds instead of bat wings?
- Actually, you…
- Never mind, I don’t want to hear about it.
- Don’t ask then.
- Why are you doing this to me?
- Doing what to you?
- Disgracing me! We’re the laughing stock of the clans.
- I couldn’t care less about what the clans think.
- After all I have done for you, is this how you repay me? After I let you study potions, even though you father was dead-set against it?
- What ‘re you talking about, you nearly sorcelled me into soldier wizardry.
- Yes, but I didn’t let your father turn you into a dog. Now I regret it, I would’ve at least had a pet.
- He wanted to turn me into a dog?
- A German Shepherd.
- Why?
- He’s allergic to cats.
- I mean, why… never mind.
- Aloysius, please, listen to me. You want to make potions, fine, make potions. I can live with the condescending looks from your aunts. But please, stop this veget-vegan, whatever, nonsense.
- Look, mom, first of all, it’s Al, not Aloysius, and secondl…
- What’s wrong with Aloysius, he was a great warrior.
- That’s what’s wrong with Aloysius. And, secondly, it’s my life and I have the right to live it as I see… what is that hissing sound? Are you hissing at me?
- Why would I be… it’s coming from your side.
- Oh, my Goddess, my cauldron’s leaking! Mom, I’ve got to go.
- You don’t even have enough dragons to buy a decent cauldron, and you still insist…
Al waved his hand and the crystal ball turned pearly white again. He sent it back to its place and covered it with a worn-out satin cloth, before his mother managed to call again. He opened the kitchen cupboard, fetched a second cauldron, and hurried to pour the contents of the leaky one in it. ‘This is just great!’ he mumbled as he contemplated his next step. The leak did not seem significant, maybe the potion was unafected. ‘There’s only one way to find out’ he sighed and dipped his finger in the potion. It tasted funny, bitter and rough on the palate, very much unlike a love potion. Al suddenly hiccuped and a bright white feather came out of his mouth. He watched it land on the oily surface of the pot. Before the concentric waves had reached the rim, he hiccuped again. Another feather. ‘Shit, I’m turning into a … coo… love bird, aren’t… coo, coo…’ Al shut his mouth, or rather, his beak and flew up, to nest on the main raft of his small cottage. He’d have to wait for a day or two for the potion to wear off. ‘At least the cat’s out’, he thought and proceeded to groom himself.
