I’m an introvert. I’ve noticed in recent years there has been this resurgence of explaining what an introvert is and many, even my fellow introverts, get it wrong. Introverts are people who get a charge out of being alone. After a long day of work or hanging out with friends an introvert likes to come home, turn off their phone and go about their day. Give them a few hours, even a few days and they are brand new.
I am an anti-social, socially awkward introvert. Notice how I spelled out the other issues I had. These issues are not always in connection with being an introvert but many introvert have these issues. I’m also in my own mind a lot and right now I feel like it’s killing me.
Even with such mediums as Facebook I still feel I can’t get everything out. I’ve had the same imaginary friend since I was a small child. Victoria Catherine, my nom de plume for this and nearly all of my writings, is a beautiful woman who had grown with me and I talk to her more than I should. She tends to aide in my social awkwardness and my anti-social behavior because she’s always there and she is easy to talk to. Our simple talks don’t turn into sarcastic arguments, we have our own inside jokes, she pushes me to be assertive without placating me; she’s everything I shouldn’t rely on in an imaginary being.
I tend to find myself in a room full of people and feel lost or lonely because I know deep down, I don’t matter. I don’t say this in a depressing or put-upon way I mean it has a basic fact. To many I am an after thought and the weird thing is I’m OK with that. Being so low on the totem pole for so many is comforting because I can stay in my bubble. What frustrates me is the lonely part. Many think my loneliness is cured by going out, or watching a movie with someone but in reality my loneliness is helped just by sitting in a room with someone not saying a word. Crazy right?
I guess this whole rant was just that, a rant. Just know, even if you catch me in the corner at a party admiring your magazine collection instead of engaging doesn’t mean I don’t have anything interesting to say, I’m just figuring out how to end my conversation with Victoria.