Haha! I like coffee A LOT! Can you relate to me yet?

ROFL! Coffee is good and you agree!

Nick Matthews
It me! (above)

Yum yum! Yep, that was just me slurping down my morning Joe, a thing you do, too. Right? Good.

Some people like cream and sugar in their coffee, but I take mine black. No time to waste! LMAO! Are you laughing with me or at me? Oh, you drink coffee too? I think we’re going to get along juuuuust fine.

Did you know the barista calls me Mrs. Double Venti? CRYING LAUGHING EMOJI. TONGUE OUT WINKING. GIF KEYBOARD.

Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp! The heat feels so good on what remains of my upper esophageal sphincter.

OMJesus… More coffee please! If I finish this one, then I can have another, and maybe then I’ll have the energy to piece together a personality based on more than a single interest! HAHA fingers crossed, amirite?!?

DID YOU JUST TELL ME YOU DRINK TEA, YOU FUCKING FREAK BITCH???

Whoa! Can you say, “glurp”? I can!!! I learned it where you learned it, on my phone in line at Intelligentsia. I like the British Office. It came first.

What’s your favorite roast? Wait, no no non o no! What’s your favorite blend? Tell me your favorite story about not having a boyfriend for eight years. I’ve seen the WHOLE Internet.

You know how when men think it’s threatening that your eyes don’t close any more? YES YOU DO! YES YOU FUCKING DO! LIE TO ME TWICE BITCH AND I WILL GUT YOU LIKE A TOTALED CAR!

I’m such a mess without my coffee. One morning I didn’t drink coffee and the bank foreclosed on my house. Brain fart! Giggles.

What the fuck did you just mouth? MOUTH. You fucking MOUTHED, BITCH. And I don’t know what you mouthed about me, but I will find the FUCK out.

YES BITCH. BE AFRAID. PULL THE SHADES DOWN TONIGHT BECAUSE I WILL BE. THE FUCK. THERE.

WATCHING. SIPPING. FOGGING UP THE GLASS WITH A PIPING HOT AMERICANO. WAITING FOR YOU TO DOZE SO I CAN CUT YOUR HAIR WITH A CHEESE GRATER. CUNT.

Did you know I have a vanity plate that says “JAVA JNKY”? Haha I’m LOLZ.

Nick Matthews

Written by

I write comedy. https://medium.com/@writefunnytoday and https://medium.com/@EagleShield

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade