Say “Sup, ma!” to 2018’s hottest new phrases.

“Ignominious display of wanton depravity” didn’t QUITE make the cut, but we promise you’ll be underlining these words in fingertip blood all year long.

Nick Matthews
Oct 24, 2017 · 2 min read

Hey, trendsetters!

2017 is almost in the books (I know, right?!?) and it gave us tons of hip slang and expressions that our dating aunts are already using in job interviews.

Remember savage? Love to hate that one. How about aesthetic? Mine’s on fleek. And who can forget fake news, alternative facts, or have you heard of the 25th Amendment? Those ones drove me to a 15-day inpatient psychiatric evaluation!

As 2018 approaches and our collective veil of nihilistic doom raises the roof, we’re going to need language that is just as lit as the year we will endeavor to survive. These 5 phrases are just what the mental health professional ordered:

  1. “Geopolitical day terror” — This is like the new “basic.” Like when you wear your crew neck and leggings to browse Anthropologie and you’re like, “OMG, I’m basic.” Only now it’s like pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord and sub-tweeting deranged autocrats at 4 in the morning and you’re like, “OMG, it’s a geopolitical day terror.”
  2. “Hate porn carousel” — Picture this: You’re relaxing in your jammies after a long day of adulting, sipping a glass of Moscato on ice, trying to catch up on what the heck even happened in the world today. What do you do? You flip on the boob tube, right? Wrong. Goodbye, “telly.” Au revoir, “idiot box!” Instead, you can get used to checking in on the “hate porn carousel” every night before you cry yourself to complete exhaustion. Tres chic!
  3. “Baroque grotesquerie of subhuman malfeasance” — This one is going to be everywhere by Easter. It’s perfect for when your girl hooks up with her VisComm professor on Bumble, or when your roomie leaves her press-ons on your Andy Warhol coffee table book, or even when your president lies about disrespecting a slain soldier in a phone conversation with his widow.
  4. “Gehennic painscape of Kafkaesque disunity” — This one is kind of, like, meta, and like a pop culture reference. It’s like “GTL.” Basically it’s for when you open your eyes in the morning and know that this day will surpass the day prior in terms of human suffering in our nation and self-parodization by its inept leadership. Look for your fav celebs (like Chrissy Teigen!) co-sign this one on social.
  5. *blood-splattering bellow* — Spray it, don’t say it! Honestly, 2018 is going to be beyond codified systems of language. Forget articulation. Next year, wailing and gnashing of teeth will be the new “woke.”

Nick Matthews

Written by

I write comedy. and

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