‘Sorry sir. Your guarantee’s run out .’

Oh! When the fuck did that happen?

‘I think sir, a long time ago. Do you have the receipt?

Hell no. It came with the main purchase, like the ultimate cherry on the cake. I was told it would last me a lifetime.

‘It sounds like an old bespoke product sir. Made to, er, measure.’

So?

‘Whether off the shelf or a special order, how it functions would be subject to many factors that no guarantee would cover.’

Hang on a minute. This bloody thing was supposed to live as long as I would. I’m still raring to go, so why isn’t this playing ball?

‘I’m sorry sir, but it’s likely just wear and tear. Did you lend it to anyone?

What?

‘I mean sir, has it been used for something other than it’s purpose?’

Well, I stirred the paint with it once, got it jammed in something nasty and another time a friend covered it in cream and yummy chocolate sauce. But I was testing it out, you know, as guys do.

‘Ahem. Er, that might have invalided the guarantee anyway.’

Well it worked perfectly well after that. In fact, it seems to work better when it’s wet.

‘When you purchased it, did you read the terms and conditions?’

I didn’t get any paperwork, it was all word of mouth and even then, I was told to suck it and see. Eventually I fathomed out how it worked and I haven’t looked back since.

‘I’m very sorry mate, but with an old product like this and what you seem to have put it through, I’m surprised it lasted this long.’

I think maybe you’ve got the wrong end of the stick ‘mate’. The problem I’ve got is that it seems to have a mind of its own. On at full pelt when it should be minding its own business and parked like a donkey when it should be running.

‘Sorry sir, we can’t offer you an exchange for used goods. Health and safety and all that’.

Well it’s used yes, of course. Very well used I might add, but it’s been well cared for, kept oiled and pampered and never left my person, so to speak!

‘Dodgy goods sir. People will want to know where it’s been, so I doubt that you’ll find a market for it, especially at your age.’

mmm. I never thought of that. It sure has been in some dodgy places. But hey. Let me tell you, there was once a time when people would pay me to use it, even begging me to drill and fill. I wish now I’d taken the money.

‘We have a one rule fits all policy sir. No refunds, repairs or replacements.’

You’re pulling my plonker ain’t yer? Mine was deluxe, not your standard ‘one size fits all’ malarkey.

‘Makes no difference sir. Even if we could, we don’t have duplicates for such an old model.’

You mean I can’t get a new one? This one’s yonks old and likely a collector’s item by now. Maybe I could flog it on E bay.

‘Sir, I’m very sorry that I can’t be of assistance. If you think someone’s going to pay you good money for it, I think you need a reality check.’

So you’re saying you won’t exchange it, tweak it or give me a newer model, and you’re implying I’m stuck with it , even when it gives up the ghost entirely?

‘Er, yes sir. Might I suggest that you explore other avenues.’

No you may not. I lost my virginity up some dark avenue, caught something embarrassing and I’ve still got the T shirt.

‘Well sir, maybe you have to accept the inevitable.

And what might that be?

Your own guarantee’s run out

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!