Somewhere between Lonely and Horny


My name is Eric Barras-Johnson. I have for quite some time now, had this idea to begin a blog. The blog would focus the light on me and who I am as a soul, and hopefully reflect that light back onto the reader that they may be able to see themselves as well. It was my desire to start this blog in conjunction with my small business. It never happened. The business became all-consuming. There was always something preventing me. In the end, I was the only one preventing myself.

Tonight was no different then any other night. The same worries and the same thoughts filled my head. Thoughts of life and human existence and trying to figure out what’s the point of it all, occupied most if not all of my consciousness.

I wanted to give in to the distractions offered by my friends, “Lonely” and “Horny”, who are always hanging around. These two love to keep me company! They are always there ready and willing to “help” me carry the load. I wanted to give all of my attention to them.

Although, as I sat in the middle of my two friends, my inner gaze fell upon an opening… a door. In that moment, instead of giving in to them like I have so many times before, I reluctantly walked through that door and ended up here; seated at a computer doing what my truest self desired some 4 years back.

Tonight. Somewhere between Lonely and Horny, I begin this blog. Horny. Defined as that tingly feeling that runs thru one’s physical body that’s always accompanied by thoughts and desires of all things sexual. This distinct sensation is triggered by the release of the “horny” chemical in the brain, otherwise known as Dopamine. For a man, it is said that this sensation arrests his being numerous times a day, making it impossible for him to think straight, or focus on the task at hand. As a remedy, the insatiable need to bring this orchestra of desire to a climax is the brains singular goal.

Then there’s, Lonely, of course; sticking ever so close to your side, in hopes to never break it’s bond with you. Lonely. The invisible star, the black hole; with complete authority, it will thoroughly convince you that it will suck your essence right into that place, that not even light itself can escape. Lonely, characterized by the deep, grating, sensation, that you will never be loved and accepted. Lonely. It’s that debilitating belief that, if you don’t grab onto something… anything, you will surely sink faster then the Titanic. Lonely, the absolute, never-ending, unmet desire to connect your soul and your body with another being that is from the same origins as yourself; I don’t mean the same country, but rather the same essence. Lonely is the unstoppable fear and terror, accompanied by the hollow pit in your core, that paralyzes you, every time you try to live from the place of complete honesty and vulnerability.

Today, I’m caught somewhere between the two of these entities. There are some who may perceive at first glance that, their names seem to suggest no kinship between the two. Loneliness on one hand, seems to point towards an obvious emotional and mental state, while on the other hand horny, seems to point towards a purely physical longing. I say they are both incarnations of something deeper.

As the soul turns against it’s hard wiring by suppressing its authenticity, it looks for some other way to express itself. The horny experience is a blatant, primitive-like route to some sort of shared intimacy. This intimacy entails you sharing from arguably, the deepest, most vulnerable part of yourself, with another. In other words, it’s a quick way out; a fast track to the, however momentary, feeling of connection. Lonely is quite frankly the emotional response of not being able to do exactly that; to live and share from that deepest, authentic self. It’s no wonder that these two accompany me as I struggle to be me.

It’s like a kaleidoscope, beautiful and wildly complex. Somewhere between Horny and Lonely there exists a place, a revealing glimpse of an opportunity to experience beauty, expansion and peace. I believe that one of the ways that we seize and invest in this opportunity is, that we make a choice to listen and not resist the true self. What I mean by true self in short is, who you would be and what you would do if you didn’t give a fuck about what anyone thought!

When I, after much procrastination and acting out in my attempt to relieve the pressure of my anxiety, finally make the choice to yield to that which rings the most true in my soul, that is the moment of glory.

Lonely doesn’t go away. Horny damn sure doesn’t go away! I believe that they don’t need to go away. In fact, it’s better that they hang around. Diversity is key! Lonely and Horny are both necessary companions to have as a human.

I know they have a bad reputation, these two. We’ve completely defined Horny (especially in men) as toxic, not allowing him to express himself. We’ve deemed him carnal and evil and in need of suppression.

Right along with that, we’ve abhorred Lonely because she doesn’t make one smile. I say that, Lonely is not there to make us smile. That’s the role of Horny! Lonely has a different purpose.

Today, I found myself between these two mates once again. Just as so many times before, once again there was that place, the opportunity. At least in this moment I was able to see it. I was able to grab a hold of it.

With certainty I can tell you, Horny is still talking… very loudly I might add. Lonely is constantly jabbering as well, but above their voices I hear my own and this is priceless.

This story is not about Horny and Loneliness, they are just co-stars. It’s about me and my artistic process. The path that I walk to produce whatever creative thing my soul churns out, is a complex journey. It’s a journey that cannot be defined through one filtered photograph or a graphite drawing alone.

It is my opinion that in most cases in our society, artists are defined solely by what they produce and rarely seen for who they are. Seems a paradox considering that what we do comes out of, who we are. NOT the other way around. That’s the system though. It tells you that if you do “this” then you will become “that.” It’s a formulaic, manufactured character. It’s not real and spending my life trying to follow an others blue print feels torturous to me. I’d rather follow my own.

I don’t want to be defined solely based on my work. My work is but one of many windows into my soul. If you draw nearer for a closer look, you will not only see me inside, but you will also catch a glimpse of your own reflection in the proverbial glass that separates us.

So, what’s it all about? What’s the point? The point, is to seek to be the most authentic you that is possible. It is from this place, that your most powerful work will flow. And when your friends come around as they often do, just know that there’s always a door that leads to you.

Show your support

Clapping shows how much you appreciated Eric Barras-Johnson’s story.