Hey there,

I know you’re in hell right now. You’re nineteen and lost. You’re battling your trauma and your own mind simultaneously. I wish I could say you won’t have hard times again, but I would be lying. What you’ve been through, what you witnessed, was heavy. It’s something not many people can relate to. Don’t try to downplay it. I know it’s tempting to try to convince everyone you’re fine, but those feelings will bubble up one way or the other.

It really is okay not to be okay.

You’re so hard on yourself. Why do you think you have to be perfect when you’re so willing to forgive the imperfections of others? Why are you ashamed of your tears? Why are you ashamed of the depression and anxiety you battle every day?

Be sad. Hurt. You’re going to learn this down the road, but stop running from it. Sit with it. Stop trying so hard to escape.

The drinks won’t help.

The company of users won’t help.

The constant noise won’t help.

These are only temporary distractions. Soon, you’ll be forced to face it again, and it will hit harder each time.

He loved you, you know. He was your dad, and you were his daughter no matter what biology says.

I know it was hard to see him so weak and vulnerable. When you were little, you thought he was the strongest man in the world. You just knew that nothing could phase him — that nothing could beat him.

But cancer beat him. You watched it take his life. You watched him draw his last breath as your mom cried and demanded he not leave her. And you learned in one of the most horrific ways possible that he was only human, just like you.

But that’s what made him great. He chose you, honey. He chose to love your mother and chose you to be his daughter.

You will get through this. You will move past this depression and the dreams that prevent you from wanting to sleep at night. You’ll move past the need to drown the memory of that day with alcohol and chaos. You’ll move past the desire to make it all go away.

Please just hold on. Hold onto your worth and onto his memory. Lean on the people who love you, and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. There are more rough days to come, things you never imagined you would have to experience.

Don’t be ashamed of the tears. Don’t apologize for feeling. You are not an inconvenience to those who matter. You’re going to grow every day. And you’ll be ready to face these future experiences head on because now you know how strong you really are.

Love,

Your Future Self