The Problem with Online Dating, for Men

Part 1

We’ve all been there. A bad breakup, a cheater’s itch, boredom, loneliness, and everyone’s secret favorite — revenge. At some point we’ve all found ourselves in front of that soul sucking screen, fingers at the ready, pondering — should I try online dating, or should I try online dating, again.

I’ve been out of the game for almost a decade with regards to online relationship shenanigans, as you could probably tell by the fact that I used the word shenanigans. Perhaps I should have used a cute emoji instead of my words. That’s always fun. Why would anyone want to show intellect, when they could just wink instead?

A lot has changed in the ten years since my journey down the webbed rabbit hole, but a lot of things are still the same, unfortunately.

Overweight girls still post their best close up face pics that make them look the skinniest, and then at the end, ta-da, you get the full-figured girl that you weren’t expecting.

Guys are no better, though. So many shirtless selfies. When did this trend start?

Dear guys, please don’t take your shirt off if you weigh under 130 pounds. We get it, you have abs, but so does everyone else that is as skinny as you. Congratulations for being the same weight as a woman. At least you can probably fit into your girl’s jeans, or even more probable, her panties. Not impressed. Your friends hate you, girls hate you, and mostly likely your parents do too.

Also, if you have a huge chest and arms, but you also have a huge, round gut, please stop taking shirtless selfies. If you can bench 400, curl two plates, and your gut hangs out over your jeans, you’re not buff. You’re just a fat guy that can lift a lot. So put your shirt back on, and please God, tell me you have some semblance of a personality, you worthless, fat piece of shit. Excuse my overt shaming.

Damn, that felt good!

Dear girls, stop saying stupid shit like this:

“Don’t just message me with hello or hi, it comes across as very lazy. Show me who you are!”

If you say this on your profile, you’re a moron and there’s a reason that you’re in your thirties and still single. Conversation always begins with some reference to hello or hi. It’s the guys way of seeing if you’re interested in how he looks. We all know that you’re just going to look at his profile pics first. If you don’t like what you see, then you will just move on. So why the hell would any rationale man waste his time with writing more than just a simple hello? What do you want him to do, spill his heart out or maybe write a poem? We all know you’re not going to read it if you don’t find him attractive first. Ignorance is blind when it comes to the sexes, a truly equal opportunity employer, so stop acting like you‘re above the system of simple discourse. Wake up, you’re not that interesting, and, you’re not worthy of more than a simple hello. Maybe even just a simple hi might be good enough for someone as ridiculously shallow and pathetic as you. Why waste all those extra letters? This is society letting you know, definitively, you’re not that important.

(to be continued…)

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