Christina Kelly
Aug 22, 2017 · 2 min read

More often than not, I feel as though the universe gives with one hand only to take away with the other, to pull us towards her in a warm embrace only to stab us in the back as soon as our eyes begin to close. I feel as though that’s been the theme of my entire summer — landing an amazing job only to lose my driver’s license to a now DWAI; finally receiving a steady paycheck and being given the opportunity to save that money as well as pay bills, but having to do that by living at home with my parents for the first time since moving out at 18. I’ve beaten myself up a lot, I’ve been angry a lot, and I’ve even noticed I’ve managed to emotionally ignore the wave of feelings that automatically comes with ending a long-term relationship, which I did this summer as well. And you know what? I’ve been exhausted from trying to numb all of that through drinking, working myself into the ground, or both. I’ve treated myself so harshly for so long. I never give myself a break. I never encourage myself. I wake up almost every morning automatically calling myself some awful name, immediately judging myself. If you do that to yourself almost every day, as soon as you open your eyes, why would anyone want to even get out of bed? So, I haven’t wanted to. So, treating yourself so badly begets trying to unhealthily numb the pain you’re inflicting upon yourself. So, the cycle repeats. But I don’t want to be in that cycle anymore.

A few years ago, my brother gave me two pieces of advice I need to implement fastidiously into my daily routine: To allow yourself to love things again & open yourself up to love and be kind to yourself, since life won’t be kind to you. Today I was able to watch the eclipse, in my scrubs, in a beautiful building with kind, motivated, and brilliant people, and I felt just like a little kid again, I was loving again. And when I found myself loving again, I automatically wanted to be kind to myself — I began viewing the things around me, in my life, and myself as beautiful. The eclipse today was beautiful, and my life (despite its disappointments) is beautiful, and most importantly, I am beautiful.

I AM BEAUTIFUL.

🌕🌖🌗🌘🌑🌒🌓🌔

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