FPT Exclusive: Iran’s Breakup Letter to Russia

The couple during happier times. (Source: The Kremlin)

Last week, Iran quietly permitted Russia to launch attacks into Syria from its airbases. Russia missed the adverb there and began to tell anyone who would listen about the deal. Iran, also in the middle of election season, quickly cancelled the arrangement. In a statement, Iran said Russia had been “kind of show-off and ungentlemanly.”

In an exclusive, FPT uncovered a copy of the breakup letter Iran’s Ali Khamenei sent to Russia’s Vladimir Putin.

Dear Vlad,

I hate you.

I thought you were different. I thought we were different. I loved you. I loved us. You said you felt the same. I guess you lied.

I don’t know why I thought I was more than just another push pin on your strategic map of Western Asia. It’s just I’ve been so lonely lately. So ready to be loved. And to love. So foolish.

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But, who could blame me? You said it would be different, in those quiet moments lying side-by-side on the hood of your limousine, gazing at the stars. Igor and Bruno were close by keeping watch, but in that moment it was just you and I. Just us. You were shirtless, as always. I liked the way the moon illuminated your flinty blue eyes, sparkling with what I mistook for affection.

I should have listened to my friend. Ali, she said, don’t let him take advantage of you. All he wants is to get in your bases and when he does, it’s all going to change. He doesn’t love you for you, he loves you for your hangars. No! I protested. Not my Vlad! He’s not like that! But she was right, you’re just like that.

It hurt to see our business all over the news. It was hard hearing the strangers whispering. The bolder ones making airplane noises with winks that defied subtlety. I knew what they meant, what you had done. The stupid part of me was proud, to see a man so powerful brag about me. About us. Deep down I knew it was over. Or did it ever start?

It hurt more when I discovered you were using Turkey at the same time! How could you?? Even if we were never going to be more than just a casual hookup of hoses, at least we had that. But, you’re doing the same with Turkey? Do they know about me? About us? Are you telling them the same sweet nothings? Are you using the same hoses??

Goodbye, Vlad. Don’t worry about me, though I know you’re not going to. This won’t break me. I will love again and you, you’ll still be a loser. Someday you’ll find out that there’s more to life than airstrips and when you do — don’t come looking for me.

I hate you.

Ali Khameni
Supreme Leader
Islamic Republic of Iran

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