June 27, 2022
everything I telling myself…
OMG you won’t believe it II’, typing thus letter without looking at the keyboard), at least I’m attempting it and thanks to the software which corrects the words it is goidng somehow. I open mu eyes drom tome to time in order to see what apperaed on the screen.
O will leat this. I really want to learn to type with myeys shit.
As my first attempt its is not bad but you need to remember that its thanks to the software/ But I meed to hit the tight keys most od the time. I know that I can quite without looking at the heyboeas nt having my eyes open makes difference.
OK, enough for today. I mean of the experiment.
I like some of the unexpected outcome. I like the word “heyboeas” — I think it could be from Dutch or something. Or certain other accidents, like “with myeys shit”.
Exactly — the unexpected outcomes. Everything I tell myself (or believe) is only my idea of how things will develop and to what outcomes they will lead.
This is so weird Stella, to be aware of that. That everything can develop not the way we predict of imagine it.
For months I was really tormented by the fact that you’re always (almost always) looking for some distractions which (in my view) guaranteed that you will not think about yourself here and now and your future in a way which will allow you to make certain changes in your life, which I certainly wanted, and which you also sort of wanted (for a long time my impression was that perhaps you wasn’t certain what you want).
This is not an accusation. I’m as far from accusing you of anything as one can be.
I will never in my life accuse you of anything, at least in my head. Because even if I will want to do that, I will very quickly know how to look at it properly. The only way I want to look at you always. The only way anyone should look at you, and as a matter of fact at anyone.
It’s very strange, because I believe that we both developed an incredible level of understanding, but we still are not able (or willing) to offer it to all people. We’re focused on understanding and not accusing ourselves.
I understand your state. That there are certain, very difficult things you are struggling with, and that perhaps you yourself don’t know certain things, and that at this moment, but I actually mean for all these months, you also don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other. And you may wish to know how to do it but it’s super hard.
But then I started to look at it differently. I mean at your behavior and at my diagnose (which, I guess, was also your own diagnose). We both believed (you even mentioned it yesterday in your recording) that your habit of always needing to distract yourself always stood in the way of you becoming the truest you.
But what if I’m wrong about it? I started pondering it when I realized that certain things happened in my life completely by accident (maybe everything did) — and most importantly, they defied my idea or prediction (or to put it differently — I had no idea that something else also could lead to this or that, and then such surprising accident happened, and it did), and maybe we just need to wait for the right accident. Maybe it’s not about diagnosing and treating it the way we think it should be treated?
I’m not talking about leaving it to accidents in life. I’m talking about factoring in that even if we made our educated (best) guess, and believe that in order to get to a certain place (point) we need a very concrete thing (that a very concrete thing needs to happen, because it is, in our view, the prerequisite for something we want), it isn’t always that way. Sometimes a different scenario (one which we never thought of) can also lead us to this place. And vice versa.
Yours forever, Vivienne (Truman)