Ask the Experts: Has Kim Kardashian Vanquished Taylor Swift Once and For All?

“There’s no denying Kim Kardashian’s flair for underhand deviancy. People are running scared — what, you think BuzzFeed actually liked those leg-length boots of hers? Please. There’s no telling who else she’s secretly recorded.”
“If Swift is to regain control over both her reputation and squad of insane models she needs to take remedial action, fast. I’m talking the Bad Blood video, but with real bombs this time. Gigi Hagid’s this close to throwing her lot in with Ariana Grande.”

Baron Slash-Maggot
Criminal underworld correspondent


“THE FUTILE MANOUVRING OF SUCH TWO-LEGGED PUPAE NEITHER INTERESTS NOR CONCERNS ME.”

Ant Queen
Queen, of Ants


“I loooooooooove me some Taytay! 1989 was totally amaaaaaaazing. She’s fantaaastic and one hundred and twenty percent goooooooorgeous!!! Oh my god I soooo feel for her right now!!”
“Hun, one word — anthrax. Worked a treat for me that time the Diggit dog started to get popular.”

Fearne Cotton
Presenter, arch-irritant


“Oh it’s all just too delicious. Meredith and Olivia are BESIDES themselves — haven’t caught so much as a dove in weeks, poor things. Meowmeowmeowmeow, I’ve just about purred myself hoarse.”
“But there’s plenty they could be doing instead of moping about like a pair of brow-beaten affenpinschers. A covert mission into Kris Jenner’s high security vault could prove veeeeery productive. You know they keep a secret sixth sister down there?”

Larry
Cat, Secret Prime Minister


NEFARIOUSNESS: Detected
KATY PERRY INVOLVEMENT: Highly Probable
BRAND DAMAGE INFLICTED: 69%
FATALITIES: 3 Assistants, Calvin Harris’s Olive Tree

Death O’Matic 5000
Robot, Father of 3


“The Kardashian scourge is a necessary and welcome blight. We find much to admire in its uncontrolled reproductive abilities.”
“The cell collection otherwise known as Swift, T. stands little hope of developing the necessary vaccinatory steps to save itself from termination. It, like all mortal life, must recognise the sad banality of its inevitable degradation.”
“That said, We cannot deny that Style was quite the tune.”

SARS
Virus, Failed Pandemic


*faint but sinister rustling of lettuce*

A Byron Burger
Physical Manifestation of the Neoliberal Agenda


Originally published at rosswrites.co.uk on August 6, 2016.

Show your support

Clapping shows how much you appreciated ROSS WRITES’s story.