Things of the week

This week I mostly… did not read the Panama Papers. That doesn’t mean I’m not disappointed in you, Vladimir *shakes head, sighs*

Monday night entertainment of the week: Drag queen-hosted bingo at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern. I haven’t cried so much at a rendition of Tragedy since the Steps reunion tour.

Yes I know I’m two columns short

Supernatural happening of the week: being woken at 2am by a glass of water, crashing to the ground several feet away from where I’d originally placed it.

Literally, the only explanation:

Monster of the week: the disturbed co-worker who felt it acceptable to not only a) appropriate my newly purchased carton of almond milk from the office fridge, but b) messily tear it open instead of using the screw cap. FUCKER!

Who does this?

Part-time sleuthery of the week: wild, though firmly offline, speculation over the latest celebrity couple to upset the Daily Mail with their threesomes and children and super injunctions. Next on my online detective list: IS LOUIS TOMLINSON’S BABY REAL, OR DOLL???

Boring household purchase of the week: Really thought the ironing board, blackout curtains or plastic carry container for our household cleaning products would have this one in the bag. Until, that is, a gaytastic feather duster came along and flounced its way to victory:

Track off the new All Saints album of the week: …doesn’t seem to be on YouTube or anything else embeddable quite yet, so here’s my second favourite:

Whereas I had to pretend to enjoy the majority of their 2006 comeback album, 2016’s Red Flag — and particularly its title track — is 91.6%* TRIUMPH. For once it’s not just me who thinks so either: at last fevered iTunes refresh they’re holding steady in the top 5.

Oi, Polydor — can we get the Mutya Keisha Siobhan record now we’ve established there is indeed a market for girl groups over the age of 30?

*Unfortunately the other 8.4% consists of a questionably autotuned clusterfuck entitled ‘Ratchet Behaviour’

Personal triumph of the week: remembering my parents’ wedding anniversary for the first time EVER. Happy *mumblenumbernumber* from your favourite offspring, guys!!

Quote of the week:

 — Vladimir Putin, Monday morning.
 — David Cameron, Friday evening.

This week I was mostly having… Bloody Marys. It’s taken me a surprisingly long time to get on board with alcohol it’s socially acceptable to knock back with breakfast.

Originally published at on April 10, 2016.

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