Being Open

I am not here to impress anyone, or to make anyone feel sorry for me, I am just here because I want just one person outside of my family to know my story. To know how this all began, and maybe influence someone. This will be the first time, I believe, that I will be truly open and raw about my story. So here it goes.

My name is Carly and I am in recovery from an eating disorder. The first time I remember having a behavior was in 6th grade. I remember not having many friends and always being kind of an outcast and even more prominently “the fat girl”. I remember reading a book about this girl who had an eating disorder and how she was skinny. The fact that throughout the book I didn’t even register the agony and pain she was going through, but only paid attention to her weight loss and how glamorous that sounded to me, was the beggining of a very big problem. I remember taking a spoon out from our kitchen drawer, and running into the bathroom with it so no one would catch me and ask questions. I sat down on my knees in front of the toliet and put the seat up. Armed with that little spoon in my hand I shoved it as far down my throat as I could. I kept trying and trying and almost nothing came up. After that I gave up and that spoon stayed in our bathroom for a very long time, neither of my parent’s knowing what I had just tried to do, or even me for that matter.

Fast forward through the beginning of puberty and we come to my freshman year of high school. I had always been somewhat aware of my body but up until this point I really don’t think I cared that much. I had put on a lot of weight that year, pretty much from winter break on I was bullied on a consistent basis. I don’t know why but one day this off handed comment just kind of pushed me over the edge. I had heard from a close friend that a girl we went to middle school with was saying some pretty mean things about me, but the one that struck me the most was “She really let herself go”. I have no clue why but this just hurt. Maybe it was because I had let everything kind of slide off my back and this just pushed me over, I really couldn’t tell you. But that summer I vowed to loose weight.

I asked my mother to help put me into a diet program, so she did. For a little while I followed it but I felt like things weren’t happening fast enough for me. This was also the summer that a book about eating disorders was on my reading list for school. It gave me an idea, so I stopped eating. For about a month or two I would only eat one meal a day, dinner, that was when my parents were home and I could prove I was obviously eating. As school drew nearer I became desperate to loose more weight, so the purging began. My mother found something one day and of course I denied it and told her she was a liar, something that to this day I regret. I lost 30 lbs that summer.

When I went back to school nobody even recognized me. For the first few days everyone would just stare at me and stop me in the hallway to tell me how good I looked. For the first time in a long time people wanted to talk to me, to be my friend, to be nice to me, and it felt good. It reenforced the idea to me that skinny is better, and no one likes a fat girl.

Fast forward to my senior year, Christmas break. Everything had finally spun out of control. I was heavily self harming, taking enough laxitives for 10–12 people, popping diet pills like candy, and purging so much I was seeing blood and my hart felt like it would explode. One night I made a decision I told myself that I was either going to die, or ask for help. So I asked for help, I woke my mom up in the middle of the night, covered in scars and scabs, crying for help.

I was admitted into a hospital the next day.

But nobody knew what to do about my eating disorder, so we just never worked on it. Until now, almost 3 years later it has been an undercover demon. One that I thought was gone but, surprise, has really been here all along.

This is the beginning of my journey into recovery. I am here to find acceptance and love from myself, probably the hardest thing I will ever do.