What Motivates Me

Recently it has come to my attention that every ounce of motivation I have had to change my body for the better, has come from a place of self hatred. I did not want to change my body to feel good, I wanted to change my body because I hated living in it, I hated having to see it, I just plain hated it. And using hate as a motivator will only get you so far, which is why I feel like I am back in this place once again. I have realized that I must love my body for what it is now to be able to move forward. That I have to change the way I think and talk about my body, because the things I say to my self I would never say to any body else.

I want to change my lifestyle because I want a family…

Someday my boyfriend and I want to start a family together. I know that if we were to do so right now I would be miserable. I don’t feel fit to carry a human life around in my body right now. I also want to be able to teach our children that healthy food is good and they can enjoy it. I don’t want them to grow up hating their bodies, that would break my heart. I want to teach them that excercise can be fun and that food can taste good and you don’t have to abuse it.

I deserve to take care of my body…

Do I have to change my body? No. But I do deserve to take care of it. My body is what I will be living in until the day I die and it deserves far better that what I have done with it in the past 5 years. My body deserves to be properly nourished, my body deserves to be exercised, my body deserves to feel good.

I want to be a role model…

I want other people to look up to me and know that if I could do this with everything I have gone through they can too.

I want to feel comfortable…

I want to be able to go out and do things. I don’t want to keep letting life pass me by because of my body. I want to go swimming and feel comfortable in a bikini. I want to go out to eat and not be ashamed. I want to run a Tough Mudder because I know my body is capable. I want to run for miles just because it feels good.

I want to prove to myself that I can do this the right way, the healthy way…

Up until this point I have tried many diets, pills, bingeing/purging, not eating, etc. to loose weight. And so far the only thing that worked was my eating disorder. I want to prove to myself that this can be done the right way and the healthy way. I see other people do it so I know I can. I just need to get in the right head space.

I want to recover…

I don’t want this eating disorder to be who I am. I want to be the girl that not just over came it but beat the shit out of it. I don’t want to be afraid of food, or feel like I HAVE to excersize all the time. I want to feel normal, and give my family a normal life, a life with a mother, wife, and friend they deserve.

I chose to live so I deserve to be happy with the rest of my life.

I want it to be real this time, I want my weight loss to stick, and I want it to be done right. I feel like starting over was meant to happen to me so I could have a clean slate and do it the right way, start off with all the right tools. I know this journey won’t be easy but it will be worth it. I am ready to change my life for the better.