I can only use my powers for good because, on most days, I don’t even believe I really have any unicorn powers. It’s an unfortunate case of Unicorn Impostor Syndrome, see. You can tell me I’m a unicorn. That dude who bought me a drink can call me a unicorn. I might look in the mirror and think maybe that horn I taped to my head sort of makes me look like a unicorn, but I’m also not convinced I’m fooling anyone. I’m probably okay to look at, and can carry on a semi-interesting conversation. If that makes me a unicorn, we. are. doomed.
And, yes, humanity needs you, Notorious DCI. Here’s why: last week on the radio, and on my Twitter feed, and in articles that humans (or entities I assume to be human) wrote, I learned about something called the Mannequin Challenge and about a person (or an entity I assume to be a person) named “Blac Chyna”. Apparently Blac Chyna birthed the spawn of the male Kardashian and achieved Mannequin Challenge Gold Stardom in the process. This was news. And it’s now knowledge (or something like that) INSIDE MY BRAIN. Why this is taking up my brain space, I don’t know, but I really wish it wasn’t.
We need you to instead fill my brain space with stories about being a human. A real human. Real human stories that re-assure me that humanity is maybe kind of okay sometimes. Please! You are a kernel of comforting goodness buried within a world of bullshit. Don’t forget it.