Questions Unanswered

I’ve got them. Let me at least update here and answer those you may have.

I’ve slowly been unable to deal with my declined/(declining..?) health. What started slowly a handful of years ago is becoming too much for me to work around. I’m becoming so easily overwhelmed by daily tasks that I want to, and need to do in order to be functioning at the speed I’ve wished.

Starting years ago, probably too slowly to accurately pinpoint when, I’ve been fatigued beyond measure. I would have good days and awful days. Days where I could walk miles. Days where I couldn’t get a shower in without needing a nap. As the years progress, it seems to be worsening. I find myself in pain every day. My joints hurt. My hands ache. I cant bend my arms too long or my inner elbows cry out in pain. I pick up a half-gallon jug of milk and my muscles sear and scream at me like I’m holding up a barbell. I have what feels like constant back/shoulder/neck knots.

Though I work a full time job now, It’s one that demands of me what I’ve been demanded of before, if not even less. Regardless, I am left with zero energy halfway through my shifts. I used to scrub animal poop off of cages for a living starting at 7am and then go to my aunt’s restaurant and wash dishes until 10pm. I can’t even stand at work for an hour now without wanting so much to sit, or find a dark corner and nap.

I have stopped doing what I love.

No longer do I get home from work and have the energy and drive to walk in the forest, and then settle in for commission work after dark. I look at hikes with disdain for the exhaustion that I know will follow. My legs ache at the thought of cool midnight walks that I used to live for. I don’t have the energy to even sit at a computer. Sitting in a desk chair makes me sore and exhausted.

This has played a giant part in my slowness at my art queue, and I hate it so very much. I try to keep a balanced quality of life. Making it work between a job, commissions, and leisure. Instead, I get home and can’t wait to sleep. It causes me so much pain and anxiety to watch my year fly while my queue chugs along like a tortoise and nature grow cold with the anticipation of winter. I’m depressed. I -want- to do more with every fiber of my being. But my muscles and joints hold the power to let me, and they won’t.

Next week, I start the process that will help me figure out what is happening. I’m going to be tested for thyroid issues, and Lymes. If neither of these ends up yielding results, I’m sure to endure countless more tests. I am not looking forward to it. I’m wary and afraid. I find myself wanting to have a thyroid issue or Lymes disease, because it means an easy answer. It means hope of feeling better.

As I sit here with a heat blanket over my body, and the smell of pain relief ointment, I found myself feeling like I need to let you all in. Being active online while clearly not producing art at the speed I used to makes me feel like a fraud. But I want you to know that while I post and retweet and comment, i’m most frequently on self-ordered bed rest. I have good days still, but they are becoming scarce, and scattered among days and weeks of slugging along my days feeling like my cement-block laden feet step using willpower alone.

I will always continue to strive for transparency. If you are in my queue and want an update on your work, I will be honest and give you my best estimate. If you find that you’ve waited too long, I will work with you for a solution.
I will never fail to give you what you paid for. I’m doing my best to do this both timely, and at a level of un-rushed quality.

I am trying my best to keep everyone pleased. Well wishes and patience while I try to figure out what’s happening are immeasurably appreciated.


Messages from the Forest

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Freelance Illustration, Beekeeping, Photography, Ecology, Food, and more!