5.17.2020. 10:35pm

With May being Mental Health Awareness Month, I want to bring one of my favorite techniques regarding mental health and supporting mental wellness habits in others: active listening. Listening is something that seems so simple, but is sometimes taken for granted. Everyone needs to be heard at some point or another, but does everyone know how to listen when someone else needs that support from them?

I first noticed the impact of active listening during my time as a resident advisor (RA) at UCI. One of my residents came to my room early on during winter quarter, and immediately I knew something was going on internally, as he seemed uncomfortable and fidgety, both patterns not in line with his usual behavior. Before I could get a full sentence out, he poured out all of his feelings for about an hour — anxieties of midterms, Greek life pressures, relationship struggles with his high school partner, and more. During these sixty minutes, there were few instances in which I could interject vocally, but I maintained eye contact, nodded when appropriate, and showed that I was listening and that he was being heard. When he took time to breathe, I paraphrased what he was telling me so that I could demonstrate that I had been listening and that I was comprehending what he was telling me. I provided my thoughts when he wanted to hear them, rather than assuming he wanted my opinion. By the end of the conversation, I could tell that he felt as if he had been heard, and was able to let out the emotions he had been hanging onto for what seemed to be weeks.

Years later, he still cites this conversation as a turning point for himself regarding the need to address his stresses and anxieties, but also regarding the power of listening. I too recognized the positive impact that listening can have when people need support the most.

My story doesn’t describe the first time I actively listened. I have always loved listening, and genuinely prefer it over speaking about myself. I would much rather hear about someone else’s day, or how they are feeling, or listen to a story they want to tell before I offer my words. I genuinely crave listening to people tell their stories, as if each day, obstacle, or event is another chapter. Some of this may stem from my actions growing up, as I spoke very little when I was younger. “Quiet Wyatt” was definitely a moniker that got thrown around until I was in high school, because I talked little, but observed and listened a lot. All things considered, going through an experience like the aforementioned only strengthened my desire to listen first, and speak later.

With all that is going on in the world, opportunities to practice active listening face to face are sparse. FaceTime has done wondrous things for the world regarding society attempting to keep those personal connections alive when we need it most. I’ve done my best to FaceTime as many different folks consistently, as long as there is mutual interest, in order to lend my ears to my peers (hopefully they think I’m a good listener!). As previously stated, everyone needs to be heard right now, including myself. We are all going through this situation in unique ways, and ultimately reacting differently. No two people I have FaceTimed with have said the exact same thing about how they are navigating this situation, which makes for extremely intriguing conversations that definitely need to be had during these challenging times.

How can we all listen actively? How can we provide support while our friends share their inner thoughts, their daily challenges, their current stresses? From my experiences, these are the active listening strategies that I have found to be most suitable for my role as a supportive active listener:

• Listen to listen, not to speak. I have found that being intentional with one’s listening role during a conversation is easily noticed by the other person one is talking to. It’s also very noticeable when someone is eager to stop listening so that they can start talking. Showing intent allows for a comfortable and continuous conversation.
• Nonverbal cues to show that you understand. This can include nodding, eye contact, and sitting with good posture. I personally struggle with eye contact the most, so I have to be even more aware of my effort to maintain eye contact when listening. Sitting with good posture has proven to show attentiveness and a desire to listen; slouching doesn’t necessarily show that you are happy to be in the moment with the person on the other end of the conversation.
• Clarify… if you need to do so. Proceeding in the conversation without fully understanding what was previously discussed never pans out. So before moving further in the conversation, be sure that you fully understand what was just spoken into existence. This can be accomplished by…
• Paraphrasing. Reiterate, in your own words, what was just said by the other individual. This shows that you were indeed listening. You are also revealing your interpretation of what was said.
• Ask questions. If you feel there may be more that needs to be said, ask probing questions… within reason. There’s a difference in wanting to know more and pushing the limits of a conversation. Ask questions if you feel the individual is comfortable with answering said questions.

There are plenty of other strategies regarding active listening, but I have found these to be the most effective. I am by no means an active listening expert, but I hope that my experiences have made me a better listener. I hope to become a better listener with each experience, as no two conversations are the same. I also hope that sharing my experiences and thoughts on the matter provide you with some insight. I’d love to hear more about your thoughts regarding active listening, including what I have written about the subject, so let’s FaceTime!