It’s A Superpower
A story about depression
I was asked earlier this week by my brother “What does your depression feel like?” It’s a topic that we bring up every now and then. It makes us feel a little less lonely. But if we talk about it for too long or too often, it starts making me feel pathetic and wimpy. I know it shouldn’t. I know I should be ok with being open about how I feel, especially with my brother. But I do feel uncomfortable about it…and a little ashamed.
Now you may be asking: How do you know you are depressed? Are you diagnosed?
This question also makes me a little ashamed and cowardly. I haven’t been diagnosed — I never had the courage to talk to a professional about it.
Why not?
Because it’s a lose-lose. If I go and I’m diagnosed, I’m always going to have this thought in the back of my mind that there’s something wrong with me. But if I go and I’m told that this is completely normal, then there isn’t anything that can help me explain how I feel — because this doesn’t feel normal. And I don’t know what’s worse.
I have to admit that it’s weird how much I have thought about the answer to this question. I feel like I have to be ready to defend myself in case anyone does ask…maybe because I’m afraid that they’ll consider me a drama queen full of self-pity. Am I just a drama queen? Am I just unconsciously obsessed with the feeling of nostalgia, loss, and loneliness? I ask myself this question a lot too.
So what does it feel like?
I think I can best describe it as an emotional flat-line — a powerful indifference and discontent with my own life. Nothing matters. Nothing ever did and nothing ever will. We only trick ourselves and distract ourselves momentarily from the emptiness that makes up this world. It feels like the world is cold and hollow, and that you’re the only one who can’t ignore it. And you give up.
Sometimes there are also periods of egotistical mania. Sometimes the world fits in the palm of my hands, and I rise from my slumber — remembering that this time period exists only for me to conquer. That I will give and receive love abundantly and experience every second with an energetic and sunny disposition. Light starts shining brightly in these moments and I am the center of attention to all of the nearby birds. I am a young Simba being held up by Rafiki.
And the bubble pops. I am dropped off the cliff. My eyes become watery, my throat becomes clogged, and my face becomes sour. My head droops below my shoulders and my hands cover the temples of my head — which signal the thoughts to start pouring in. The tears start pouring out.
My parents might have stayed happily married if I hadn’t been born. My brother might have had a stronger male role model. He might have been happier now. All my exes wouldn’t have had to suffer through our relationship. My friends wouldn’t have to go through the burden of being my friends. What do I have to do to validate my existence? Please tell me. I’ll do it! I just want to belong! I don’t want to be a burden anymore. Let me prove my existence. Let me prove that I wasn’t a mistake. I’ll do it. I promise.
As I write this in my more composed state, I realize how dumb and melodramatic I become during these episodes. But at the moment, these thoughts are my greatest demons. I eventually come to my senses after a few of these cycles, and I become ever more grateful for the people in my life that have decided to stay.
The moments go from low to high, to even lower, and then I peak and jump from the tallest mountain until I crash on the pavement of my flatline. And then I sleep….like a lot — probably because you always need a breather after a crazy rollercoaster ride.
So why is this dedicated to you, my dear reader? I hope you don’t think it’s because I want your pity. I couldn’t care less about your pity.
It’s because you might be like me — confused, lonely, and afraid. Frustrated. Lost.
Unfortunately, I will not be able to make those feelings go away…but I might be able to lessen just one of them: your loneliness. It’s when I realize that I’m not the only one that feels this way that I feel more validated as a person. I hope that by exposing myself like this, you might feel a small sense of belonging. Because it’s important that you do. Because you matter, and your life matters.
Because believe it or not, this moment will pass too. Let it pass. Because the world needs you. Because, in a way, this is actually a superpower (#Yikes). You can feel more than others. You can connect with more people than others can. You can feel their feelings in a weird unique way. You can make your own emotions contagious to those around you — not unlike a wildfire in the middle of a dry forest. You can bring color to a world that can seem black and white at times. You can help others endure,
Survive,
Live,
Conquer.
Go make magic happen ;)
