MARRIAGE WON’T PRESERVE ROMANTIC LOVE IN CASE OF TROUBLE
Marriage is just another name for a civil contract binding two individuals. Marriage is a legal thing and has nothing to do with romantic LOVE.
WHAT IS ROMANTIC LOVE?
Nowadays, in many societies the choice of a husband or a wife is not driven by the decision of the two to be married. The parents, the matchmakers, etc. are there to ensure a marriage with solid bonds based on finances, social status, fertility that gives a guaranty of having a descendance, etc. Romantic LOVE is not part of the loop.
First, romantic LOVE exists if the decision to be and stay together is made by the two protagonists involved in the relationship. This decision must be the result of a deep interpersonal affection. This mutual strong affection generates a commitment between the two partners for a long-lasting affair. Another way to say, “I love you” is “I miss you”. Scientific literature explains that romantic LOVE changes the chemical environment of your brain and body. When you are in LOVE, you induce your hormonal system to secrete several substances like dopamine, oxytocin, etc. that act as drugs. Therefore, you become addicted to your partner and you need to go through a severance process when they are not with you.
As for me, the chemical aspect of romantic LOVE is not enough to explain the commitment and the desire of two lovers to stay together.
WHAT ARE THE ORIGINS OF THE WILL TO STAY TOGETHER?
When a couple decides to stay together, it means both agree on going beyond lust and attraction. They move into the attachment phase.
On which basis are these bonds established? Aron, et al. (1989) have identified the following attributes:
A. Similarity: This includes similarity of people’s beliefs and, to a lesser extent, similarity of personality traits and ways of thinking.
B. Propinquity: This includes familiarity with the other, which can be caused by spending time together, living near each other, thinking about the other, or anticipating interaction with the other.
C. Desirable characteristics: This general attraction attribute is particularly focused on an outer physical appearance that is found desirable and, to a lesser extent, on desirable personality traits.
D. Reciprocal liking: When the other person is attracted to you or likes you, that can increase your own liking.
Coming across your lover is a matter of chance. The decision to stay together is not. The four attributes mentioned are also influenced by:
- your upbringing,
- the impact generated by life experience,
- and social pressure.
Therefore, your decision is the consequence of an informed consent.
At the same time, you know you make a bet because nobody can predict the future and foresee how you and your partner will evolve and change. The consequence could be a loss of that sense of reciprocity that feeds your mutual affection and desire to stay together.
THE DECISION TO BREAK UP
The main reason one decides to break up is because they feel disconnected from the partner. Statistics say the main reason is infidelity. I think that infidelity is the consequence of the disconnection. The moment there are stumbling blocks along the way that:
- create gaps detrimental to the similarity,
- build obstacles to propinquity,
- generate changes in the characteristics,
- induce disappearance of reciprocal liking,
- there is no goodwill to overcome these difficulties,
this is the beginning of the end.
One cannot go against everyone’s privilege to cease a relationship when they feel no affection and attraction anymore.
DOES MARRIAGE HELP TO SAVE A COUPLE IN DISTRESS?
In a scenario where a marriage is imposed by the environment, social pressure, family obligations, etc. I do not think that romantic LOVE and its preservation are to be considered. Therefore, I won’t elaborate further.
Let us focus on couples who got married of their own free will.
Sometimes, it is purely to benefit from a legal status. For a foreign partner, for instance, it is often easier to get a residence permit if they are married to a national.
Tax-payers may find marriage an efficient way to benefit from tax exemptions.
For those, it might be that without this constraint they would have preferred to remain in a free relationship. Their marriage did not include that degree of superior aspiration others look for.
This high degree of aspiration is linked to religious belief in many cases, but not always. It is the will for an affirmation of their mutual love and the commitment to establish constant companionship that is the fuel of romantic marriage.
Are will and commitment good allies in the event of the troubles listed above? I don’t think so because they do not automatically lead to a sense of urgency to overcome obstacles.
I am of the opinion that once the red line has been stepped over, there is no possibility to walk back. Marriage won’t help with this.
Now, if you want to increase your chance to stay long together, here are the skills I suggest you develop mutually:
- Compassion,
- Patience,
- Teamwork,
- Forgiveness,
- Listening,
- Openness.
They work better than any formal contract.
