How to feel just a little better when you are depressed or anxious
TW: Anxiety, depression.
I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression when I was 22. Since no one in my circle really spoke about depression or anxiety, I did not really know what to do with that diagnosis. Where do I go from here? How do I help myself when I am feeling this awful? If you are someone who has experienced anxiety and/or depression, you probably know the mixed feelings after getting diagnosed. First you feel relief because you think: “Wow, I am not losing my mind, I am mentally ill!” and it helps to realize that what you are going through is not uncommon. But there is this other feeling of actually being ill which can make you feel helpless and alone.
One thing mentally ill people have in common is not being very nice to ourselves. When you feel exhausted and sad or numb all the time, you don’t necessarily feel like you are worth being kind to. When being in so much pain, one tends to forget that you are not just this pain and in fact are a human being who deserves care.
When I was acutely ill, my therapist helped me make a list of things that are non-negotiable for me as a human being. My therapist and I negotiated on how regularly those things needed to be done in order for me to feel less like a sad pile of emptiness and more like an actual person.
To a mentally healthy person, the list that I am going to introduce might seem weird because I know now that when you are not struggling every day, those things seemingly get done by themselves. But when you are fighting your depression and/or anxiety in your mind every waking minute, you have less mental capacity for those things. Somehow, you go a week without showering and have not eaten a single meal by 6p.m. This list is for the people who are in the midst of the darkness that feels endless. I wrote down this list on several post-its and put it over my desk, my bed and my bathroom mirror to be reminded of the things that need to be done regularly. Here is my list:
1. Prioritize sleep (every day)
For a lot of people who struggle with anxiety, falling asleep can be difficult. I remember times where I would lie in bed for hours and be in this thought spiral. In the beginning of my journey with anxiety, I used to not go to bed early because I did not want to lie awake and think about all the horrible things that might happen tomorrow. I fucked up my sleep schedule really bad by not going to bed on time and having to wake up for work or university classes early. Not sleeping made my exhaustion even worse and that did not help my depressed and anxious brain.
Eventually I realized that I need to make sleep my top priority. I made it my number one rule that I will be in bed by 9:30 p.m. and try some calming activities such as reading or doing some breathe exercises. When I was acutely mentally ill, there was no room for flexibility for me. If friends wanted to go out late, I did not go because I knew if I went, the next few days would be really difficult for me. My therapist also once told me that sleep plays a big part of processing difficult emotions and I really wanted all those emotions processed! Try to get 8 hours of sleep when you are acutely ill!
2. Journaling (every day before bed)
As I have already mentioned, falling asleep with all those thoughts can be difficult. It is hard to fall asleep if your thoughts race a million miles an hour and you cannot relax. What really helped me is journaling. I sat down to journal about my feelings for about 30 minutes every night before I went to bed. When I am acutely struggling, my brain tends to feel like this drawer everyone has in their home where they put all the old phone chargers, USBs, old headphones, and everything is all tangled. When I sat down to write, it felt like a process of untangling. I did not always find solutions to my problems (because you cannot solve depression just by writing a dairy) but it really helped me calm my mind. Seeing your issues on a piece of paper also sometimes makes you realize that maybe, just maybe, it is not as bad as you tend to think!
3. Showering (body: twice a week, hair: once a week)
This might seem like a no-brainer but to me, it was not. When I skipped classes, sometimes a week went by without me showering. What makes showering so challenging for a person who is struggling is that it includes several steps. You need to grab a towel (which might be difficult if you struggle to do the laundry). You need to get undressed. Get in the shower. Possibly feel cold water on your skin until it becomes warm. Wash your hair. Wash your body. Dry your body. If you live with roommates, you need to clean the hair away immediately. If showering is hard for you, I feel you and there is no shame in that.
What I negotiated with myself while I was struggling is that I would wash my body at least twice a week and wash my hair at least once a week. When I realized that having set days where I would shower helped me do it, I set Wednesday and Sunday for my showers. Another thing that helped me is to remind myself that I would shower if I went out to see a friend. If my friend deserves a clean, fresh smelling Xenia, so do I. At least, occasionally!
4. Eating several meals a day (every day)
Eating is also one of those activities that includes several steps. If you live by yourself, you have to get groceries. You have to put them away. You need to plan a meal. You need to cook.
What really helped me is to prepare bigger portions of easy meals. My go to was frozen veggies in a pan with a store-bought sauce and a source of carb that is easy to make (bulgur and quinoa only need to be mixed with hot water!). On a day where you feel a little better, it can help to google a few depression-friendly (read:quick and easy) recipes and save them. That way, you will not have to think about it on bad days.
When I was in the midst of struggling, I often forgot to eat. Being hungry made me even more anxious, so I started to set an alarm three times a day to remind myself to eat. Maybe this can help you too.
5. Connect (twice a week)
Human beings were not made to be by themselves all the time. We thrive on connection to other people. It becomes incredibly hard to socialize when you feel like you are a burden all the time. If you don’t have the energy to go out, it is hard to meet friends. If you are lucky like me, maybe your friends can come to your place.
I know that sometimes the thought of having to see other people and to pretend your okay (aka masking) can feel unbearable. But maybe you can even open up to your friends and tell them that you are not feeling great? What I have learned from my depressive episode is: Suggest low-energy activities to your friends and let them know that this is all that you have energy for. Those can be things like watching a movie together at your place, reading a book in the same room or sharing an easy meal. I know that connecting to people during depression is hard but so is isolation. If you cant bear the thought of meeting someone, maybe you can video call a friend or family member and just ask them to do most of the talking so that you can just listen and feel like you are part of their life.
Another general tip that I read somewhere (don’t remember the source, let me know if you do) is that when you are struggling it helps to think of yourself as a SIMS character. Make it a priority to fulfill the basic needs: Shower, eat, sleep, speak to other people. When my brain used to tell me: “You you don’t deserve the shower. Who even cares if you feel fresh?” I used to pretend to be a SIMS character who has to shower whether I want to or not.
As I have said before, those things can seem like a no-brainer to some people but they weren’t to me. I actively needed to remind myself to eat, shower and sleep every day. When you feel horrible about yourself, you forget that basic things might make you feel better. Will they heal your depression? No. But they will make you feel a little better for a little while and feeling just a little better when you feel like shit is worth the hastle!
If you are in the midst of the darkest period of your life, I hope knowing that I have been there too and that it got better offers you hope. I hope the activities on this list can help you feel a little better, even if its just for a few minutes. Because you deserve it. You deserve to feel better. And you are someone who deserves care!
