Fantasy versus Physicality
There are a handful of resources out there that help identify ones sexuality. There is the Kinsey scale, which was then modified by Parks into the Purple-Red scale to be more inclusive of asexuality. When I told a man that I went on a second date with that I needed to take things a little slower when he proposed we make out in a park, he told me I should look into the Purple-Red scale and see where I identify.
The thing is, while it is probably a great resource for some people, it still doesn’t help me fit where I think I should be. The reason it only adds more to my confusion is that I don’t know how to distinguish the difference between fantasy and physicality.
Physically, perhaps sex is just a means to an end. Does that make me asexual? I think I enjoy sex sometimes, but perhaps I haven’t had the right partners. I can say that with my last long-term partner, sex felt like a chore. But it wasn’t that way in the beginning. I’m sure I fall under the gray-A umbrella. But what if I’m fluid?
Then on the complete opposite end of the spectrum, I have wild sexual fantasies. The kind that seem arousing in my head, but I would be terrified of any of them actually coming true. Where is the fantasy versus physicality scale?
As I write this, my the man I went on a second date with has been texting me, trying to help me figure things out. (I think a therapist is probably in order at this point, rather than the words of a stranger). When discussing what it’s like for me when I have alone time, he concluded that maybe I’m just after oxytocin rather than an orgasm. Maybe he’s right. I still don’t know where that leaves me. C? A?
The frightening thing about admitting that I’m probably asexual, or at the very least gray-A, is where does that leave me in finding a partner? Sometimes I feel like the desire for sex is so strong, but then I sleep with someone and didn’t enjoy it at all. Being single is hard enough, but finding someone who feels the same might be even harder. Because I’m pretty sure my datefriend is an F.
