Not now, I have a headache

Thursday night, I went on a third date with the guy that prompted me to seek therapy. We were supposed to be just friends. But he suggested a restaurant that happened to be in my neighborhood and we ended up at my place after.

If someone knows you’re non-binary and they compliment you on your breasts, what should you do? I’m cursed with a large chest which most women would kill for. I haven’t started wearing a binder yet nor have I considered top surgery. But in that moment, I just wanted to rip my breasts off, hand them to him and say, “here, you can have them”. I was so uncomfortable I could have died.

What I can’t figure out is am I not attracted to him because I’m just not, or am I not attracted to him because I’m gray-A? This is where it would be helpful to know other people like me. Because I don’t know that I’m really attracted to anyone, but some times I am. And I’m more confused now than anything.

One of the most annoying things about being gray-A is that I’m sometimes willing to do what people want just to make them happy. So when this guy is at my apartment, I’m uncomfortable while simultaneously trying to think what can I do to make him happy. Ugh.

I texted him this morning to tell him how uncomfortable I was and that if we’re going to be just friends we should be just friends. I deleted my dating profile because I’m clearly more confused than when I started dating. But I know that I don’t want to date him and probably shouldn’t date anyone else until make it through my confusion.

As a side note, my teenage nephew came out to me as Bi yesterday. I almost wanted to come out as non-binary, but decided to let that be his moment and told him that it was okay.

For anyone that thinks you’re alone, just know that there are so many people just as scared to come out of the closet. It’s okay. You’re not alone.

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