Cigarettes & Rum

Yesterday, a man walked past me and the smell of cigarettes lingered behind him for seconds and caught on my nose. I took it in a dizzy spell and smiled a familiar smile, as my thoughts ran to a man I once knew.

I loved the smell of manliness on him. Cigarettes, rum and his cologne cocktail. So much musk. It promised of danger, teased me with adventure. This scent alone got me high. Every time we’d be together, I would playfully scold and moan about the inevitable residual smell of secondary smoke that would be stuck in my hair, even though secretly, I looked forward to sniffing it hours and even days later, all the while clinging to vivid memories of him playfully blowing smoke into my face across the table. With time, this didn’t fix my addiction. I needed the real thing. So much so that I picked up smoking — only with him — so that I could smell of him when we parted. The head rush was one thing I never got used to. That coupled with sneaking long whiffs of his being just revved my engines to speeds I never knew existed.

He was all man.

He never thought it of himself I suspect, but his manliness oozed out of his pores, out of his every word, off his swagger and through his very being. His manliness attracted me in a way I cannot quite fathom to this day. He brought out the softer woman in me, which — come to think of it — could be why he worked hard at getting the more assertive side of me out into the world.

He was all man, and that did it for me.

Him and I would talk and talk for hours on end about everything and nothing at all. Another endorphin releaser. He worked my brain like it was a game. challenged and pushed it to limits. He was immensely respectful of and to others. He believed everyone was entitled to an opinion yet in a very coy manner, he was able to sell you on his ideals and beliefs. Unless that was just me.

He was all man, and that did it for me. That’s about it.

I could bed his sense of humour, marry his wit and walk every day of the rest of my life with his intelligence. His kindness was all I longed to be wrapped in and his charm.. well that could keep us both warm in the cold months.

He was all man, and that did it for me, but that’s about all that I can say about him and so I’ll leave this here. He changed see? Unless I’m the one that did. Unless I never really knew him to begin with. Unless I never saw him past the cigarette smoke & rum.

He was all man, and he was only ever mine in my dreams.

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Originally published at on April 11, 2015.