I have been looking for a job for almost a year now.

I had studied computer science, but I didn’t quite graduate due to health reasons (the main symptom being lower energy).

I’m looking for all sorts of jobs, from grocery stocker, to office assistant, to software engineer — pretty much anything that I feel like wouldn’t interfere with me trying to be

I do have some ideas for startups and applications I want to write, but I really do not have much energy to put into these at this point. Back when I was in school, I tried to “brute force” my way through the energy issues I had developed. I attended class, attempted to absorb information, attempted to do my homework, attempted to go to office hours and understand the explanations.

But, I really could barely absorb any piece of information despite putting in nearly all of my time and effort. I had a hard time even following movies or Youtube series that I used to watch. Just remembering things like a 6-digit zipcode for 10 seconds felt overwhelming for me. Doing homework that was intended to be review from high school and wasn’t conceptually difficult, like calculating a Taylor series, felt overwhelming (I did not finish that assignment despite putting a lot of effort into it). Responding to basic emails and basic things like interacting with a cashier and brushing my teeth could feel overwhelming. The more I forced myself to try to do these things, especially the more mental tasks (like typing an email or following a conversation, rather than brushing my teeth), the more I would get a sort of “tingling numbess” sensation in my head (not a headache, hard to explain — I had never experienced this before I had these energy issues).

I was eventually diagnosed with “cognitive disorder NOS (not otherwise specified)”, which basically meant that after the day of tests some psychologists did with me, they thought something was wrong but didn’t exactly know what to call it. (They said it was some sort of anxiety, but I don’t really feel “worried”. I feel like it’s more related to depression.)

ANYWAY. Just giving some context. I’ve improved a lot since then (demonstrated by the fact that I’m writing out all of this) and understand my health condition a lot better.

BUT I still don’t have a job. And I have been doing basically NOTHING for almost a year. Previously, I WOULD be programming, but I DO NOT have the energy to do that. (Then why I am even applying to software engineering jobs?!? GOOD QUESTION. Money -> [social mentally healthy stuff???]-> Energy/Happiness -> More energy to work and make money (?)). I have tried this many times. I can force myself to sit in front of a code editor, but I can’t force my brain to have the energy or focus to have anything above a trivial level of productivity, even over a long term. The subconscious wins!! The conscious mind can’t beat it with brute force.

I had been exercising and eating very heathy before I had any health issues, so those don’t seem to be at the root of the problem. From my experience, it seems like NATURE and SOCIAL activities are very important for improving my energy and focus.

However, as I am not a Native American in the 1000A.D., I can’t just walk around in nature and be mindful and feel immersed in nature by doing almost whatever I want, like randomly chopping off branches or building things or sneaking around like a ninja or lighting fires or hunting buffalo. If I walk outside I am supposed to walk from point A to point B, and that is mostly it. There also are certain designated areas, likes parks, in which we may sit and perhaps stroll upon the greenery and play frisbee and fetch with our dogs.

Also, I think it would be beneficial to DO THINGS as part of a COMMUNITY on a DAILY BASIS. It seems like there is no community that one is automatically part of these days solely due to physical proximity. People do things in spread out locations or in the privacy of their house. I currently don’t have money to spend on organizations.

I think being in the outdoors connects people. I think working together with people to do tangible things that both provide instant satisfaction but also lead to a long term sense of accomplishment, like building houses or canoes, is good. If I could be outdoors doing an “energizing” job that uses my body and is with other people, that would probably be good.

Anyway, I wish you all a good day.