Quick Decisions, Slow Change
I am unafraid of the future I cannot yet see…

Written on August 7th, 2017:
Until a week ago, I lived in Spain, I ate dinner at 10 or 11pm, and used whatsapp more then text or iMessage. Until a week ago, I heard more Spanish than English every day on the street, in the shops and on tv. Until a week ago I heard Despacito on the radio and blaring out of open car windows every day.. oh wait that happens here too.
I’ve done this before — readjusted back to life in America, readjusted back to life in English. I’ve done that before — built a life in a foreign place for a year and then walked away. It wasn’t any easier the second time. I didn’t think it would be.
A week ago, give or take a few days, I went for a walk in Madrid. It was 95 degrees, easily, and I hid from the heat until 7pm when I could finally venture out of the hostel. I was alone and in the mood to wander, so I put on my sunglasses, grabbed my travel journal + pen and set off.
My first stop was Día (grocery store) where I purchased snacks for the airport the next day. I also spent a long while looking at all the groceries I wouldn’t see when I returned to America: Principe cookies, Valor chocolate, Nocilla, etc. I picked up two nectarines and a bag of almendras tostadas (toasted Almonds) and checked out. Walking out of the store I realized that entire interaction had been in Spanish: thinking, talking, paying etc. I had a strange out-of-body-esque moment where I realized who I had become after a year in Spain.
Then I walked around Madrid. I saw tourists in groups taking selfies, I heard mothers telling children not to run in the streets, I admired the buildings’ architecture and stopped at every Heladería (ice cream shop) to see what flavors they had in the case. With tired feet, I ended up at a Cervecería an hour before sunset. I ordered a glass of “tinto de verano” (sangria) which came with a bowl of “patatas” (potato chips, or “crisps” if you’re English) and sat. I stayed for at least an hour alternating between writing and watching, all the while soaking up my final hours in Spain. And as I sat the sun faded away, leaving a muted summer heat behind.
Next, I went to the Plaza de España. Walking though the Plaza I avoided men selling multi-color fidget spinners and the large crowds forming around street performers. I stood there in the center of the Plaza my mind reeling through my past year in Spain as though it were a movie montage flashing before my eyes. I saw a whole year of life lived, people met, culture experienced, language absorbed. I saw it all.
Then I snapped out of my internal movie montage and saw everyone else. They had been there all along, but I was far too wrapped up in myself to notice. I watched families, tourists, and street performers there in the midst of a summer night in Madrid. I realized in that moment that I couldn’t imagine myself anywhere else. I couldn’t imagine who I would be if I weren’t there in that exact moment. I couldn’t imagine who I’d be if I hadn’t seen Spain.
I am so blessed that I have been able to see the “world” beyond where I grew up (ie Middle East and Europe) and I don’t take it for granted. It’s hard to explain what I was feeling in that moment, in my last moments in Spain. A mix of a few emotions: gratitude for all that I have experienced, sadness that I had to leave and let it go, and determination that it wouldn’t be my last time “seeing the world”. It was in that moment I realized how much I’ve changed.
Thus far my best decisions have been made quickly: signing a lease with strangers in college, signing up for a Startup Weekend the night before, agreeing to hike across Israel a few days before, or moving across the world to teach English — twice.
My biggest changes have happened slowly. Learning new languages, adapting to new cultures, making new friends, learning how to be flexible, becoming a writer, becoming a teacher, becoming a better friend, and the list goes on. These changes have happened so slowly that I didn’t really realize I was changing until I had already become a bit of a new person.
It used to freak me out that I couldn’t envision my future. I’m being serious. Senior year of college when I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do for my “career” people told me to think about where I wanted to go, what I wanted my future to look like, what my next five years (after graduation) would look like. Do you know what I saw? Nothing. I really couldn’t imagine how those years would look.
So now, here I am, four years later and the “future” I couldn’t see has been filled experiences I never imagined, could never have imagined — and they were all incredible.
So, now what? Short answer I don’t know. But if I’ve learned anything: the decision will happen quickly, the change will happen slowly and I’m choosing not to be afraid of the future I cannot yet see.
xoslo
