I am sitting here trying to type through blurred vision as the tears flow freely, trying to comprehend in some small measure what would make someone feel like their only purpose in this world is to leave it. This is something I have been struggling with for over four years, since the day my younger brother took his own life.
I am on the other side of your coin. I am the one left behind. Survivor’s guilt, it’s a real thing. Always wondering if there was something I could have said that would have changed the course of his decision. Coming to the conclusion that my words wouldn’t have mattered because it wasn’t about me. His decision was his own, not based on my words or lack of words or my feelings, for that matter. Not that I think he didn’t care how I would feel because we loved each other as fiercely as any two siblings could. I just think in that moment he wasn’t thinking about the hurt that others would feel because all he could think about was that he was tired of hurting.
I know things would have worked out for him if he had not made that choice. I think the problem was that when it got that bad, time stood still for him and there was no seeing beyond the hurt he felt inside. He couldn’t picture anything existing beyond that moment. He could no longer envision that a future existed and he definitely couldn’t see himself in it. I don’t know any of this for sure. He left no note. He calmly told his wife he was going for a walk and just as the front door closed behind him she heard the gunshot.
I feel like little pieces of me have been dying every day since he has been gone. There is a hole in my heart and a part of my soul left this world with him.
I don’t know your personal story or what you have gone through but the one thing I do know is that it doesn’t matter what it is. It is NEVER trivial if it makes you feel that way. Please don’t ever minimize yourself or your struggles that way. I have learned that outsiders can look at your problems and say they’re not so bad but how YOU feel about them is all that matters. Nobody can measure out the amount of pain you are allowed to feel compared to someone else in another situation. I hope you find some peace with living and making your life and this world something uniquely valuable to you. Don’t allow others to diminish the wonder and amazement of your existence. In case no one has ever told you, the world is a better place because you are in it. Not because of anything you have done but just because you are.
I’m not a religious person and I don’t have any particular beliefs about everyone being here for a higher purpose but I do believe that our existence is an amazing thing and that the consciousness of life itself is an exciting journey of ups and downs that is unlike any other experience imaginable. My wish for you would be to find that in your own being.
Your story is hard to take. But it is not mine to take, it is yours and I hope you find whatever happy ending you are looking for.