7 Productivity Tips for Girls Who Can’t Even

Focusing is hard. Can’t I just tweet all day long?

DRAMATIC RE-CREATION OF YOUR FEELS RIGHT NOW. YOU JUST WANT TO TUMBLR AND SCROLL.

At some point in your life you realize that you’ve read ten million articles with productivity tips in them and yet you still can’t put on pants. You see, you spent all that time reading the tips and doing nothing, so this is the state of your world right now.

Lazy Girls Who Can’t Even–I know your struggle. Boy do I know it. I’ve spent time eating doritos instead of cleaning, I’ve binge watched buffy instead of doing class work, and I’ve even spent an entire blog post talking about the color pink; and not doing anything else for a whole day.

Well, Sammy–you may ask–How can you teach me how to be a Person Who Does Things when YOU Can’t Even?

I’ll tell you, internet stranger:

It’s because I’ve read all the blog posts on how to be productive. But I also remembered what I read, like a freaky computer taking screencaps of what I need to remember but won’t actually do.

I’m terrible at Time Management, I fired all the Minutes and the Seconds are on strike.

1.) Do the easiest task first.

There’s a reason people say to grab the ‘low hanging fruit’ for lack of a better term. It’s because if you can complete a task in less than 10 minutes, preferably 5, you should. Then all your little things will be out of the way, and you can tackle the big stuff. Like wearing pants. Or making a real meal instead of just poptarts.

THIS IS A MASHED POTATO FLAVORED KIT-KAT BAR. YOU’RE WELCOME.

2.) Break the bigger tasks up into little tasks.

This one is a no-brainer. If a huge task is looming, dedicate your time to snap it apart like a bunch of kit-kat bars. Then you can eat a few kit-kat bar tasks and stop when your stomach and/or brain is too full. Then maybe you can reward yourself with an actual kit-kat! Yay!

3.) Take breaks every hour if possible

What? Breaks!? Yes, but short breaks! 5 to 15 minute breaks, no more than that! Like how you ate the kit-kat above. Tell me the truth, did you eat a huge pack of them from those candy bags you buy at Wally World?

You aren’t supposed to! Moderation. Rewards work, just don’t sit there and stuff your free time up with things that don’t help you be productive. Like reading reddit or scrolling through tumblr.

BULLETPROOF COFFEE IS NEAT. USE BUTTER INSTEAD OF MILK TO KEEP THE CAFFEINE BUZZ GOING

4.) Fuel yourself.

This should be a total no-brainer too, but you ended up eating the entire bag of kit-kats, didn’t you? Jeez. I can’t take you anywhere. Fuel yourself with good foods like oatmeal, yogurt if you aren’t lactose intolerant, protein like lean fish and chicken, bulletproof coffee, green tea, healthy greens, and so on and so forth. You know exactly what you should be eating. Stop procrastinating and make some kale chips. Forget about the darn mashed potato kit-kats!

5.) Get rid of distractions.

Hey, ok. I know you are reading this right now and it’s a problem and you are wondering why I’m contradicting myself. But once you are done, do not, I repeat, do not, go trolling through Kylie Jenner’s instagram feed. I know it’s tempting, but save that for when you have actual human free time. And even then, you should be using it wisely instead of partaking in retail therapy

6.) Set a timer.

You are going to need a timer for particularly mind numbing tasks. Even time yourself with your music; if your fave song right now (Carly Rae Jepsen’s Run Away With Me–sorry, not sorry) is 5 minutes long (source: I don’t remember) and you listen to it 5 times in a row while you wash dishes…Hey! That’s 25 minutes of dishes! Go You!

SO. MANY. TIPS. HELP…CAN’T…..READ THEM…ALL. AH

7.) Get enough sleep.

Why is this even on the list, you ask? Maybe you sleep 12 hours a day like a bear or something, but not me. Also sleeping for that long is TOO MUCH sleep, not ENOUGH. When you are tired/cranky/undernourished/just ate a bag of kit-kat bars and you want to nap; fuel yourself, eat better food, and get quality sleep. Practice good sleep hygiene like turning off all the lights and devices in your house (even your phone, ok) and only nap for a total of 30 minutes. If you get a good sleep, your brain and body will thank you.

So, Lazy Girls Who Can’t Even, here are my productivity tips. Now I’m going to sit on the floor of my apartment and figure out how to do that thing from Pinterest I read about earlier. It’s productive! I’m learning how to make my own DIY kit-kat sculpture, see I’m using my brain and being creative!

What do you mean I have chocolate on my face?

Ah, haha…

I can’t hear you over Carly Rae Jepsen.

Sorry.

DON’T BE THIS GIRL. BELIEVE IN THE ME THAT BELIEVES IN YOU AND GET YOUR STUFF DONE.

Cash me ousside on TWITTER, FACEBOOK, and PINTEREST
I post a lot of fashion stuff.