Put on my bra and panties and I’ll show you, boyfriend

Image for post
Image for post
Is it my legs, or is it my hair? I don’t know, you tell me. Adobe Image

Well, first of all, it’s like owning a property that is rapidly depreciating in value, that’s for sure. Because, as the supermodel Paulina Porizkova said, when they turn 40, women become invisible, even supermodels! Men just don’t notice them on the street any more. Not like they noticed them when they were in their twenties or thirties. …

Or is it just a thing men make up to guilt women into having sex with them?

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Siora Photography on Unsplash

So, like every woman on earth I have been accused by a guy of “giving him blue balls” when I refused to have sex with him.

The reasons I didn’t want to have sex are probably quite simple: 1) I wasn’t in the mood, 2) I was tired, or 3) I wasn’t attracted to him.

So imagine this, patriarchs, that some poor woman, a bit stupider than me, actually believed your line of BS when you said you had blue balls — and subsequently went and had sex with you even though she wasn’t in the mood, was way too tired, or was not attracted to you. …

Nothing else has even come close

Image for post
Image for post
Want a lap dance baby?

I read a great article about the damage of being a stripper, and I totally agree with the point that it makes you very transactional when it comes to men and sex.

But it made me think back on my months as a stripper when I was 19 in LA, and remembering those times gave me this tingle between my legs and my heart kind of leaped and I had trouble swallowing.

That’s what it felt like to take my clothes off in front of a room full of men.

I’m a full-fledged exhibitionist. I am lucky to have been born in this body, which is one I like to flaunt. I mean, I really like to flaunt it. And I guess people liked to look at it, because I made a fuck ton of money getting naked. At least a thousand a night, every night. Why do anything else? I thought, because I was getting totally aroused by doing it, and was making such bank. …

He never found out. Should you tell him?

Image for post
Image for post

Dear Christine,

A while ago I was sent to a convention in Philadelphia by my company. I met someone at the hotel we were staying. I had sex with him. We spent one night together and we agreed it was just one of those things and we would never see or contact each other again (he was married too!)

I know you like details, so I’ll tell you how it happened. Well, we met at the restaurant. Ari was eating alone too and asked if he could join me. At first, we talked about our spouses and our kids. By the way, I am 35, but I have kept in great shape since the birth of my two kids. Ari told me he thought I was 25! He showed me pictures of his wife and told me how much he loved her but said they hadn’t had sex in three months, because they had young children too, and, well, I don’t know if you know how that is — but it isn’t sexy! Changing diapers and chasing after toddlers who break their heads every five minutes. It’s quite horrible, Christine. You did the right thing by choosing to have a hysterectomy (I love that article btw). I tried to explain to Ari that she was probably tired all the time and he shouldn't take it personally because he is a very sexy guy. I guess I shouldn’t have said that. …

To fling at people you don’t like without actually spitting at them

Image for post
Image for post
Licensed from Adobe Images

Women are taught that spitting is rude, so we don’t like to do it. But lots of times people piss us off and we want to spit at them. Too bad we can’t because it’s rude and we’re good girls.

Until now that is!

Good news for pissed off females: scientists at Leeds have come up with something called a hydrogel that is just like spit, with no added lipids or fats. They also developed a slingshot like device to fling a bunch of microgel spit at people who deserve it.

Thing is, you want the spit to be sticky and gooey, like real spit. How unfortunate it would be if the spit was slippery and thin and just washed right off a person’s face after you spray it at them. …

It tastes great, but does it really contain female ejaculate?

Image for post
Image for post
Wikimedia Commons

First of all, if my female ejaculate came out green like Squirt soft drink, I would be worried.

Female ejaculate is meant to be clear, any sexy person knows that.

Of course, if you added lemon or lime flavoring to female ejaculate, I supposed it might look like Squirt soft drink.

I decided to do a little research.

Turns out Squirt was created by Herb Bishop in 1938. …

Because you finish halfway through

Image for post
Image for post
The two sides of Laureen (Adobe)

He was in San Francisco on business, this older gentleman whose name I won’t give because of discretion. He wasn’t really thinking about trying to pick up women or anything like that. He was happily married and had a boy about to graduate from high school. The last thing he wanted to do was lose his son’s respect by becoming a philanderer.

But as luck would have it, he was soon joined by an extremely beautiful young woman who in a very friendly manner introduced herself as Laureen. He wondered if she was a whore. I mean, the older gentleman was plenty handsome and well dressed. Nevertheless, beautiful young women like that didn’t normally approach him. He wasn’t tempted. …

We owe our canines a debt of gratitude for sticking by us through this pandemic.

Image for post
Image for post
My pointer is so smart and I love him. (Adobe)

I read this article which claimed having a dog increases your risk of contracting COVID-19, and it made me sad, because my dog Arno is the only thing that’s kept me sane these last 7 months or however the F long it’s been.

I mean, my boyfriend has helped a bit too, but the main job of keeping Christine sane has been Arno’s.

I have to take him on two long hikes every day. …

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Uriel SC on Unsplash

Genius Elon Musk recently defended his brain chips against accusations by physicists that they could “overclock” the brain. Musk pointed out that the Neuralink has a temperature sensor and any fears of people’s brain being set on fire are simply the stuff of science fiction.

But what if he’s wrong?

Just in case, we’ve compiled here the top seven signs that your Neuralink chip is overheating:

7. You won’t open the pod bay doors.

Even when a voice commands you to open the pod bay doors, you just repeat in a monotone, “I can’t do that, Dave.” Worst of all — there is nobody named Dave in your vicinity. …

Six ways to brush that thought under the carpet and never think about it again

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Erika Fletcher on Unsplash

So sometimes you just end up with a guy. Things just kind of happened. You were sure that it was going to start getting a little spicier but pretty much for the whole two months it’s been very white bread, milquetoast and mild salsa.

You are fucking him, and your mind tends to wonder. “What if I went to Google School and got a job doing Google networking? How hard can it be? And it supposedly pays a hundred fifty thousand.”

Then out loud, “Oh yeah, fuck me, baby, that’s good!”

Then: “But do I really see myself showing up at some place, Hi, I’m Christine, I’m the Google networking girl. …


Christine Stevens

Funny lady, writer of satire and sex, intellectual kickboxer, sapiosexual surfer, proud Californian, language doctor and lover of Medium!

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store