The place where we broke up

“This is where we broke up.

A week ago I asked if we could talk, and you penciled me in. You can tell something is wrong, and I can tell that you know something is wrong, but neither of us is going to say anything. I am late, as usual. You give me a hug and a kiss and you can tell how nervous I am from how quickly I let go. I am immediately annoyed how far we are sitting from one another, but also gratefull how far we are sitting from one another, cause I don’t know if I can say this up close. I skim the menu, ask about how your day was, trying to avoid eye contact. You talk about nothing but as per usual and you don’t ask me about my day, as per usual. Recognising this is getting awkward, I say, do you wanna drink. I am trying to break the tension, but I could also just use the drink right now. When I think about what you look like, I remember you no closer than eight feet away, looking at your phone on your way out the door to go to something that isn’t spending time with me. But right now, we you are leaning in in the first time in forever, asking what’s wrong without saying words. More present you have ever been, this has just got a lot harder. Suddenly, I remeber the moment that we met, when you looked at me the way you’re looking at me now with the kindest eyes I have ever seen that stopped me in my tracks. This is the moment I almost get cold feet. But before those eyes can stop me again, I look down my drink and say, I think we should break up. You go silent as your eyes scan every inch of my face trying to get grip on what I just said. Damn it you are beautiful, even when you are in shock. You open your mouth like you are about to say something, and close it again, unsure of what to say. And now my heart is sinking, cause now I am remembering all the reasons I fell for you in the first place, all the moments and memories that make me put this off as long as I did. And now we are sitting here and staring at each other for what feels like an eternity.

And finally my anxiety boils up out of me, 
‘ Are you gonna say anything?’ 
At last you break the eye contact, look down and whisper, 
‘I don’t know what to say.’ 
I whisper back, 
‘I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have blindsided you like this.’ 
This is the loudest moment that I have ever sat through, 
‘You wouldn’t give me the time of day, I had to schedule our break up a week in advance.’ 
And you lean back and say, 
‘No, I understand.’
‘But you didn’t reply to my texts! I got one word answers. I was skipping meals so we could eat together. Sorry, if I get tired of waiting!’
You look back at me and say,
‘I’m sorry, I know I haven’t been… I don’t know.’

We talk for while and call it a night. You give me an another hug and kiss me on the cheek, the way you know that I like. And this time, I don’t want to let go.

I can’t count how many times I come back to this restuarant, at this table, with this waitress, and replay that conversation in my head. Rewriting the things I wish I had said, regretting the things I didn’t give you a chance to say, wishing I told you sooner that something was wrong, and wondering maybe you cared more than I thought.

This is where we broke up, I guess I wish I had gone differently. ”