Inner thoughts

I’m writing this on my notes because my laptop is connected to my tv and I’m watching Ugly Betty. I still haven’t finished this assignment and its due tomorrow.

I did my first piece of writing and I sent it in to someone. Then I started thinking. I thought I liked writing but what if the person reading it thinks it’s rubbish. What if they think because I don’t writing with fancy words, or overly complicated metaphors to convey my ideas or whatever- they’ll think it’s not good enough.

I write like I think. I don’t use metaphors when I’m overthinking, I don’t use similes either.

No punctuation as well. I just think.

And I like to convey that in my writing. But what if no one likes it. What if no one understands it or can relate it. What if once again, I’m alone in the way I feel. What if I’m the one that’s strange and all those silly quotes about how everyone feels the same way is all a lie.

What if everything I’ve just said, someone thinks it’s waffle.

I really don’t know how to navigate this life thing I won’t lie.

I watched videos about what advice people would give to their younger selves, and they all more or less say the same thing. They always say do what you love and don’t care about what others think. Yeahs that’s great n all that but they forget to mention that part that opinions pay the bills. It really does.

Maybe I’m not wording it correctly so here’s an example, just so when I read is back in a couple days or years I’m not confused.

What I think I’m trying to say is, if a lot of people like something, they’ll be willing to pay for the product or service. So here’s where my issue lies. I like writing- well I think I do, I might not like this in a few weeks, but I’m not sure yet. What if people don’t like my writing, what if they think it’s shit. What if they don’t get what I’m trying to say. What if they can’t even relate. theres no point in doing something if no one likes it right? Do people even read anymore, so what’s the point in writing.

Urgh even writing this is giving me anxiety. Anyone can do what I’m doing, so what makes me different. I don’t have a unique selling point. I’m not universally attractive so I can’t be a model. I’m not a great singer so music is kinda ruled out. I didn’t go to acting school so Hollywood isn’t very likely anytime soon.

After this academic year, my life is supposed to just start. And I have no idea what I’m gonna do. I convinced my self for many years that I wanted to be a corporate girl. This was my plan. After A levels I wanted to study Economics or Maths at a Russel Group Uni. I knew Oxbridge was a little too far fetched so I settled with Warwick. After that I would get into a grad scheme where I’d start working for an investment bank earning the big bucks. I’ll have so much money to live life that I’ve always wanted.

So here’s how it turned out, I was so convinced I was gonna get straight As at A level. At worst I thought I’d get a few Bs. I was soo convinced, that I even applied for Adjustment (that’s where you get better grades than expected). Long story short , let’s just say I was on the phone begging the clearing line to accept me into any uni. I ended in a non Russel group studying a course I’d never even thought about. But here I am in my final year of International Relations- I don’t even want to work a corporate job anymore. Not because 9–5s are boring. But because 1, I’m anaemic and I’ve convinced all that commuting to the city and back will kill me. 2. As much as I lie on my CV saying I’m great at working on repetitive tasks and l love competitive environments. I really don’t. In fact I even hate it. I still don’t know why all this happened to me. I’ve made friends here but it’s not as if they’re live changing friends, I still would’ve been able to make the same type of friends at Warwick or in a Russel group uni.

I feel like my life has just gotten worst since coming here, not in a dramatic way but I know I’m less likely to be successful at achieving my 14year old dream of being a corporate babe. So now I have to find other avenues.

There’s nothing I really like doing. And I feel like every around me knows what they want. I thought about being an influencer but that requires me to put my face out there and yeah I’ll pass. The thought of people judging my looks is scary let alone basing my entire career on making my life look aesthetically pleasing. So that’s been ruled out.

I really don’t know what I want to do. I feel pressured to apply for grad schemes, but I don’t want to do any of it. And apparently the creative industry is even worse. So maybe I should just die, not in a suicidal way but this life thing is just so long. You really can’t win.

All these big influencers, or these celebs, always say they didn’t get where they are not over night. I get that. But the majority always knew what they wanted to do. They all say the same thing about social media and how it’s not real and all that other stuff about it being a façade. But I don’t see why my facade can’t look good.

I see my friends and theres at least one thing about them that I admire. I wonder if they think the same about me. I don’t know if I have any talents or skills. Aside from the ones I lie about on my CV. I don’t know what to do.

My brother said that you’ll be surprised about who you’re being discussed about to. I don’t think that’s true. A side from my friends. There’s probably one girl that’s talking about me to other people. My ex flatmate who was on a mission to ruin everything that resembled peace in my life. She’s probably the only one. I doubt there’s anyone out there thinking Yvonne is great or I want to be like Yvonne.

People always say there’s something about you that other people admire. If that’s true, I’m gonna need everyone to let me know what they admire about me, I need multiple reasons to go through with this life thing.

I remember when I was like 15/16 I told my oldest brother I was suicidal. He said I shouldn’t kill my self because my parents would be even more stressed and wouldn’t be able to afford my funeral. That was genuinely the reason I didn’t go through with my third attempt. In a sad depressing way. He saved my life.

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Yvonne

Hi don’t judge me. Im just a 20 year trying to figure things out, by thinking out loud online. Let me know if you like anything, even if its just a sentence.